the best of depression, the worst of depression

// how incoherent. how very tragically incoherent. so many feelings and i can't even articulate them.

// but also, the incoherence is a result of the tumultuous situation in my head. i hope you can at least catch a glimpse of what it is like inside.

manic as hell when i took this. made a terrible mistake. | market st, sydney

so here's to my beautiful life

that seems to leave me so unsatisfied

no sense of self, but self-obsessed

i'm always trapped inside my fucking head 

- lewis capaldi on the track, how i'm feeling now

hi, i'm back on this again. it's currently 00:08, the beginning of a long weekend. it is meant to be good friday today. it has been anything but good.

and if this is how it starts, i don't even want to imagine what the rest of the weekend is going to look like. i'd be happy to stay alive until monday.

-

i took a lot of pictures of the stars today. stars are funny. i wish upon them every time i see them, but i keep forgetting the most important thing about them.

they are dead. like i will be. soon.

dua toh bas ek hi hain. shayad kabhi pura hoga hi nehi. | botany st, kingsford

i have a thousand things that are due. 3 weeks' worth of labs, which were due at 12:00 on monday. 3 tests, which were all due at 21:00 today. each of them has 3 programs that i need to code up. to do that, i need to watch the lectures. i have to finish watching 10 hours of lectures just for my computer science course, before i can even do the work i need to do. i won't even bother giving you the numbers for my economics and mathematics courses.

but do you know what i'm doing instead? i'm sitting here in the balcony in this weather, wearing a sweatshirt and a pair of running shorts. my makeup's still on my face. i'm still wearing my converses, and i am still wearing my earrings and rings. and through my airpods i have playing my sad playlist. and i'm typing this up.

sad. that is a funny word. it is not accurate, though. i am not sad. i am depressed. let's call it what it is, shall we?

-

i talk about feelings a lot. obviously. that is who i am. i can't not talk about feelings and emotions. the intensity with which every emotion i have ever felt hits me absolutely drains me. i experience what is known as "intense emotional dysregulation." turns out, putting your needs off until you've met the needs of others is actually really harmful. apparently, you're meant to take care of yourself and put yourself first. otherwise, you end up like me. not dead, but not alive, either, trying to learn how to manage emotions like a normal fucking person, so that you don't feel like you're going to explode.

let's talk about the feelings i don't talk about. i say that i'm sad very often, but what i really want to say is that i'm depressed. that's one of the "acceptable" mental health issues, right? hmm, keep reading.

this is what depression looks like for me:

i sleep for hours on end, more than 12 hours sometimes, but it is not continuous. if you could look at my fitbit data, you would see that i apparently am restless and wake up a lot throughout the night. here's an example. i was sleeping from 02:05 to 09:43, but apparently not.

238 minutes = almost 4 hours

this reminds me of something a person i used to be friends with told me. "you can't keep running away from your problems. they will eventually catch up with you." i guess you were right, leo. i guess you were right.

but we're still in the sound, acceptable parts of my depression. let me tell you more.

you know how brushing and showering are things that you do everyday? it's almost like a reflex, at this point. i have had many days when i have been so depressed that i didn't brush, much less shower. all i did was lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. thinking. wishing. ruminating.

i look in the mirror and i hate myself. i don't like the way the person staring back looks. for some reason, her face is very tired. the acne is out of hand and the skin is irritated. her face has darkened and her eyes are puffy. her face is fully drained of the noor (light) that could once be seen. it's almost like someone switched off the lights. a lifeless, unmoving body. wait, are those streaks of tears on her cheeks?

but this only happens if i can even manage to get out of bed. most days, though, i'm just there. lifeless. sleeping, because that is the only way i can escape the thoughts in my head. but as you can see, that restlessness in my soul won't leave me alone even when i'm sleeping. how do you run away from yourself?

i eat a lot when i'm depressed. i will order a lot of takeouts - maccas, gyg, kfc - whatever i can get my hands on. the only time i will get out of my room is to get the food. then i'll sit on my bed and cry as i put the food in my mouth. unbrushed, by the way. unwashed face, too. sometimes.

and then i hate myself even more, because not only am i ugly, but i'm fat too. wow, way to go.

or i don't eat at all. i "forget". i remember this one time when i went 36 hours without eating, and only ate because my ex-boyfriend got "worried". i don't know if he was actually worried. maybe he was. he probably wasn't that much of a dickhead. i just like acting like the victim a lot.

are you disgusted yet? we haven't even gotten to the worst parts of it.

so, remember how i said that i can't get out of bed? i go to sleep in the same bed that i wake up in. and it remains unmade for as long as that phase lasts. it can last for weeks. my bed is full of my clothes - jackets and bags and shirts, everything - that i promised i was going to fold and put in my wardrobe. the floor hasn't been vacuumed in a bit, so there's hair everywhere - both on the bed and the carpet. my shoes are scattered everywhere. the drawer's open, and it's messy and unorganised. there are empty boxes and packets that i promised myself i would throw away. i get attached to boxes, and you ask me to forget people? funny.

my room looks as messy and chaotic as it feels in my head. that's why i cut myself. that's why i punch my walls as hard as i can. i enjoy hurting myself - to take my mind off of the pain and screaming in my head, to punish myself, and to just feel something that's less mental and more physical. that's the worst part of depression. they never tell you this, but it gets so loud in your head that it can feel like someone's blaring insults through the speakers at the o2, except this is a private concert and you're the only audience. the concert is not nice, and you can't leave. ever. it's the same song, over, and over, and over again.

well, until you're dead, at least. then it's over.

-

i am withdrawing again. i am going down again. i had hoped to stay manic for a little longer, but this is what the chemicals in my brain demand. i will see you again, my friends. please, do not worry about me.

but that's rich. that would imply that you even think of me. lol.

--

please care for me. please save me. there is this intense desire to pull you so close and hold you here so that you never leave, but push you so fucking far away that you can never find your way back to me, because that is the only way i know how to protect people from this monstrosity that lives within me. but i never have to do anything. you get up and leave in the end, anyway.

too inconsistent, you say.

too mentally unstable, you say.

you will hold me back, you say.

i have enough of my own problems to deal with, you say.

but don't you get it, you fool? love is the only thing that can save me. but you. you do not want to do what is hard. you only want what does not require from you any effort. selfish. that's what you are. ironic, how ironic. i call you selfish, yet isn't that exactly what i am doing?

being around me is hard. loving me is harder still. caring for me is the hardest thing to do, because i will push you away. i don't know how to allow someone else to be concerned for me. i want to be saved, but i also want you to save yourself from me. you do not understand. i am fire. i will burn you.

but please. take the risk. one person. that's all i ask. please jump headfirst into the fire that i claim to be. i promise that the flames are just an illusion. i pretend to be scary, because in reality, i am scared.

for you, i would burn myself a hundred times over. just so i could be the source of light and warmth in your life. love is madness. love is insanity. good thing i am used to both already.

i can save myself. i just need you to be the reason i do.

so, after all of this. after everything i put you through. after everything i said.

won't you be there for me, darling?

or will you, too, leave me stranded?

kuch kehna hain toh keh de, meri jaan. kahin der na ho jaye.

--

got a bit carried away there. atif aslam is goated. goodnight.

// जानाँ, समझो ना, हम डरते हैं \ देखें दूर से तुझको, जी भरते हैं \ जानाँ, समझो ना, हम डरते हैं \ प्यार करते हैं तुमसे, जीते-मरते हैं इश्क़ में तेरे
// दुआ करती हूँ की मेरे बारे में सोचता हैं, मुझे याद करता हैं।
// خدا، آج میری سن لے۔ بچا لے ہمین۔ بس ت ہی ایک آخری امید ہے۔