main character syndrome

# A personal statement I wrote when I applied to colleges in the US, end of 2020. I've been depressed for so long it's actually funny at this point. The waves of the sea rise to their heights and crash against the shore, only growing bigger and greater and reaching newer distances every time. I find myself identifying with them. People tell me that I exude confidence and surety, and yet I sometimes secretly hope that these view of theirs changes soon because I expect myself to mess up. It is only human to feel this way, and I would never judge another person if they ever found themselves in such crossroads, but I can’t help but hold myself to an almost unachievable standard, making myself miserable but also somehow paving the way to my success. I have always been a shy child, so shy that I wouldn’t cry when hungry but rub my face vigorously until my mum noticed. She told me stories about myself from my childhood, of how I would always prefer to be left to my own devices, oft...

# Here's a personal statement I wrote when I was applying to colleges in the US. This was end of 2021. Football is a funny game. A starting XI full of players who show promise on the training ground is trusted by the manager, who takes a gamble on them in the hopes of beating the opposition. The team plays for 90 minutes, with a half-time break of 15 minutes and extra time, giving it their all so they can win. At the end of the game, there can be 3 outcomes - win, draw or lose. Every point matters. Every year of my life is like a season of football, and I, in my many roles represent a team. Nuren concedes! Unlucky to not save that one. I break down. I have my moments when I am trying to do so much, hoping for a spectacular finish, but there are times I fumble. These moments make me want to give up, and I lose my direction. I brush myself off and get back on the field. It’s difficult to get out of that rut, but I still need to try. If not for me, then for my team and all of the ones...

I am tempted to go back and rework titles of a lot of the posts on my blog, not because I hate them but because it won't make any sense to anyone who hasn't listened to the song / album. I title my pieces before I even have a concrete idea for it, because I'm often moved by a piece of work that I'm watching / reading / listening to and I feel like it embodies the emotion I'm experiencing at that time. Then I take a week to write, and it no longer aligns with the original vision. I want to talk about music and how it influences me. Almost every piece I've ever written was prompted by a song or album that I was listening to, and I often just listen to the same body of work (or at least the same artist) when I'm writing in one go, just so the motivation remains constant throughout the entire piece. I've noticed that even the slightest change in beat, tempo, or even the general vibe of the music will completely shift my mindset, and I will no longer be able ...

// Might combine this with another piece if I feel like it, Idk. // This might have a part 2. It's 20:36 at the moment, and I woke up maybe 10 or so minutes ago from a nap. I've been napping a lot these days, less so because I'm tired, and more so because I'm emotionally overwhelmed. Your Shirt by Chelsea Cutler is playing in the background as I type this, and while it is ridiculously gut-wrenching, I think I'm going to allow myself to sob and wail and wallow in self-pity for a while. Much has been said about this feeling that people call love. Many great artists have come before me who have attempted to capture the essence of this emotion in words, and there is no doubt that there will be more after me who will continue to do the same. They say it is everywhere you look, yet it will elude you should you choose to actively look for it. It comes to you when you least expect it, yet it exists in and follows you to every place imaginable. I am not going to try and des...

# Updated final paragraph to quote you. Might come back again if / when I have time and feel like it to write more. - 22/11 // I can't believe I'm still blocked. It's not even upsetting - just awfully funny. (23rd Oct, 2023) I started writing this one on the 23rd, and then for reasons that probably involve my life and its events in some way, abandoned it right after. Going off of the timestamp,  I think I was just overwhelmed to the point where I went to sleep. Yes, I sometimes sleep by 10 so I can get some rest. ...except I never can. I can't remember the last time I actually slept through the night, uninterrupted, without waking up the next morning and feeling fatigued. I have horrendous dreams, which for some reason always involve violence against me. I wake up, exasperated at 1 AM, hoping to discuss what just happened with someone so I may feel a little relieved. But that never happens, because as I scroll past the 142 contacts on my phone (which includes you too, m...

// If you want to read this, I'd suggest getting ChatGPT to translate. Parts of the translation is going to probably be wrong, so might want to put it through Google Translate as well and just put 2 and 2 together. আজ বহুদিন পর আবার বাংলায় লিখা হচ্ছে। এভাবে আগে কখন কেঁদেছিলাম, তা মনেও নেই। তবে আজ আবার ভেঙ্গে পড়লাম। হে খোদা, হে আমার রব, তুই কি দেখশ না আমার এই কষ্ট? আমার এই দুঃখ কি তোর চোখে পরে না? কোন জনমের পাপের প্রায়শ্ছিত্ত করছি আমি?  - আমার জীবনে এমন কিছুই নেই যেইটা আমাকে কেও এসে দিয়ে গিয়েছে। যত টাকা, সম্মান, এমন কি আমার অংশের ভালোবাসাটাও আমার অনেক কষ্টের ফল। কখনো কেও ছিল না। অনেক যুদ্ধের পর কোন মতে হাতে এসেছিলো। কিন্তু তবুও তুই আমার থেকে তা কেরে নিয়ে যাস। কেন? তুই নাকি সব জানোস, সব শুনশ, সব দেখশ। তাহলে আমার বেলায় আসলে তুই অন্ধ কিভাবে হয়ে যাস? বোবা হয়ে যাস? কালা হয়ে যাস? আমার কষ্ট কি কষ্ট মনে হয় না? নাকি আমি পৃথিবীতে আছিই খালি কষ্ট উপভোগ করতে? আমার কপালে কি খুশির কোন চিহ্ন আছেও? নাকি তুই চাস আমি নিজেকে শেষ করে দি?  আর তো সহ্য হয় না। আমিতো মানুষ। এতো শক্ততো আর হতে পারছি না। এ...

# Deleted the COBRA part of the title. // Titled after Megan Thee Stallion's new song, Cobra . So many things have happened since I last wrote a word that I'm not sure if I'm living the same life anymore. I started a new role at my university. Met some amazing people that I've befriended. Figured out some things with my degrees that I was super stressed about. Applied to new things which seem to be working out (hello director). Guarding my life - choosing who to allow in and who to keep at a distance. Learning to be myself. I feel like I'm getting back a version of myself that I used to know in high school. She was fucking wild - hard working, passionate, inspiring, compassionate, empathetic, energetic, cheerful - any good word you can think of, you could probably use it to describe her. Only things that she wasn't very good at were being true to herself and setting boundaries. People-pleasing went crazy, but it wasn't something to worry about too much. She ...