Waves as a metaphor

# A personal statement I wrote when I applied to colleges in the US, end of 2020. I've been depressed for so long it's actually funny at this point.

The waves of the sea rise to their heights and crash against the shore, only growing bigger and greater and reaching newer distances every time. I find myself identifying with them. People tell me that I exude confidence and surety, and yet I sometimes secretly hope that these view of theirs changes soon because I expect myself to mess up. It is only human to feel this way, and I would never judge another person if they ever found themselves in such crossroads, but I can’t help but hold myself to an almost unachievable standard, making myself miserable but also somehow paving the way to my success.

I have always been a shy child, so shy that I wouldn’t cry when hungry but rub my face vigorously until my mum noticed. She told me stories about myself from my childhood, of how I would always prefer to be left to my own devices, often making a complete mess out of the room I was left in. I would hide, under tables, chairs or whatever I thought was big enough to fit me. Once, I somehow fit myself inside a dressing table by emptying it of all of its content, and mum found me cramped in the small space all by myself, stuck in deep thought while I felt excruciating pain all over my body. She had to remove the glass from the top of the table to get me out.

Looking back, I realise that I have always been trying to run and hide from something, but up until now, I didn’t understand that it was people’s hopes and aspirations that latched onto me that I was running from. It is a tragic paradox; to try and live up to everyone’s expectations knowing full well that someone will always remain unhappy in the equation. But I tried, and it came at the expense of my own happiness. Still, I shrugged it off.

Prioritising myself was never my focus. I kept chasing compliments and validations from friends and family, and even strangers at some points. While it did bring with it instant gratification, when the moment passed, I was left with a void bigger than the one before. I did everything I thought would bring me happiness: spending money on luxury items, devouring ice cream and cookies, posting pictures on the internet and watching likes and comments flow in. What I forgot was that my problem was internal; superficial experiences could never fix that, no matter how much I begged.

As I grew older, I started to spiral into a crisis and was rushing through life. I needed help, but I was too proud to ask for it. I was putting up a façade to prevent people from being able to see behind the curtains.

This goes on to talk about how I start finding myself after people in my life notice how off I've been. Had to bullshit a little because sob stories without a happy ending don't get acceptances.

Then, a nice little conclusion that ties it all together. It makes more sense with the part about people actually caring enough about me to notice, but I had to delete that because it was dishonest and made me physically cringe. Kept this however, because it reminds me of who I used to be and who I can still be.

I am still a long way from my happiness, but I am glad I am at least on the path towards it. Like the waves, I will grow stronger and fiercer, reaching newer distances. Then, not even the sky will be my limit.