art, and its influence on me

I am tempted to go back and rework titles of a lot of the posts on my blog, not because I hate them but because it won't make any sense to anyone who hasn't listened to the song / album. I title my pieces before I even have a concrete idea for it, because I'm often moved by a piece of work that I'm watching / reading / listening to and I feel like it embodies the emotion I'm experiencing at that time. Then I take a week to write, and it no longer aligns with the original vision.

I want to talk about music and how it influences me. Almost every piece I've ever written was prompted by a song or album that I was listening to, and I often just listen to the same body of work (or at least the same artist) when I'm writing in one go, just so the motivation remains constant throughout the entire piece. I've noticed that even the slightest change in beat, tempo, or even the general vibe of the music will completely shift my mindset, and I will no longer be able to get back to the same feeling, which makes it challenging to finish my work. That has resulted in 5 drafts amassed this month alone.

I keep telling myself that I'll go back to them at some point, and I know I will, but it's so hard getting back into that zone once I've been pulled out of it. Yes, I am sad, but it's a different type of sad. The sad I feel when writing piece A is not the same as the sad I feel when writing piece B.

Here's an example - both Marvins Room and Teenage Fever are songs by Drake, and they pretty much deal with the same subject (at least that's how I feel). I have both songs on the same playlist, but while Marvins Room makes me very upset, Teenage Fever has a way of making me angry and like I've been betrayed (it's the chorus). Similar themes, but one song makes me direct my anger and sadness inwards, and the other makes me direct those very emotions towards other people, like I've been wronged (I have). The playlists are so weirdly put together that, while these songs do fall in the same category, by the time I get to Teenage Fever, I can almost console myself and find a way to get out of that rut. It's nice until the playlist ends, and then I'm throwing fits, trying to find something good to listen to.

One of the weirdest 24 hours of my year.

Music truly is the medicine, by the way. I wish I could drown in my music. I care a lot about what I'm listening to, and every song that I've ever listened to (or referenced) had a piece of me in it. Sometimes it's the entire song, sometimes it's just 4 lines that make the entire song worth listening to.

I feel very lonely and misunderstood very often. I talk a lot (people who know me irl can vouch for that), but I don't talk at all, if I'm being honest. I have mastered the skill of yapping, and it keeps people entertained, and the conversation going, but I don't enjoy it much. I can tell I am faking it because I get so exhausted when doing it. I automatically split into two, where one part is just talking a lot of shit for the sake of it, and the other is begging for the former to shut up so they can be heard. The louder one wins, always. Maybe that's for the best, but that's a completely different conversation.

This is why I turn to art as a form of expression. There's not a single medium that I haven't tried out. I'm not very good at any of them, but I enjoy engaging in them regardless. It's basically me saying, "This is me, completely stripped down, in front of you. Please see me for who I am, and not for who you think I am or want me to be." Writing is my favourite, because words are easy, and being able to speak multiple languages gives you multiple ways to express yourself. Which is ironic, considering that I still manage to fail at that task somehow.

I sketch a lot too, or at least used to. They would always be hands, some variation of 2 people holding each other. It wasn't only because I thought hands were easy to draw that I chose to opt for them, but there's just something so pure and loving about holding another's hands that it felt the right thing to do. It's so silly but I feel like people end up being more honest, and say more than they would ever allow themselves to, in little acts like that. Holding hands, resting your head on another's shoulder, locking eyes and smiling.

Just on that last one - every time I've had that happen with someone that I was attracted to and vice versa, that tiny "blink and you'll miss it" moment never had anything to do with whatever we were talking about in the moment, before or after. There's at least 3 different stories I have related to this; maybe one day I'll talk about them on here.

I do a bit of photography too, but I'm actually horrendous at it and I think my camera should be taken away from me. I also left my actual camera back home, but it's heavy and clunky and I think it's time for me to invest in some proper gear. I have dabbled in videography as well, but I haven't had the time to properly stitch together the clips I've shot to tell a story, but maybe one day. I also had a very brief time when I actually attempted to produce my own music, but there was a lot to learn and I got overwhelmed very easily.

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Regardless, I want to create art that makes people feel like they're being hugged. I don't want it to be another I understand how you feel piece; we have enough of those as is. I want my work to touch people's souls and make them feel seen. I want it to be authentic and messy and complicated, but so simple that they engage with it and go, "I understand what's being said because this is how I feel." I don't need them to explain it to anyone. They shouldn't have to explain themselves or their feelings - if you get it, you get it, otherwise tough luck buddy.

I don't think I have the answers to life's biggest problems. I don't think I have anything profound or novel to even contribute, but someone once said this about something I wrote.

To this day I have no idea who this was, but I've been chasing that high ever since. I'm not sure what about what I write could ever elicit such a reaction, but I've thought about this comment ever since it was posted.

I don't need to be the greatest writer in the world. I just want people to feel less alone and/or lonely. It would be nice if less people experienced that.

# I am the modern day Franz Kafka, except I am a woman and fucking awful at this. I can't win!