Faith

# This piece was originally called Right My Wrongs, after the song by Bryson Tiller.

Maybe it's the new work shoes.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm wearing all black today.

Maybe it's the amount of sugar in my body.

Or maybe, just maybe, it's none of that but a proper, actual realisation that will eventually pay off.

-

I'm feeling bulletproof tonight. Untouchable. Invincible. Unstoppable. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I am having the busiest couple of weeks of my life at the moment, but I'm cruising through things as though they were child's play. I'm on top of my work (so far), I haven't missed a single class even though I've been so drained, and I've prepared as much as I needed to for the work stuff that I have coming up.

For the first time in my life, I am organised and there is order to my approach. No more chaos to rummage through. There is a method that I am following, to the best of my ability, and giving it my all. It is working out like it should. I am tired, I am slightly stressed, and I definitely still have a bunch of things that I need to get done with, but for the first time ever, I think I am calm?

I am going after opportunities as they present themselves to me. I am confronting my fears (almost all of them). I am taking my chances and shooting my shot, regardless of the outcome. I am landing some; the others, I am learning from.

Perhaps this is me in my manic state, at its purest form. It would make sense - lack of sleep, conquering the world, overcommitting, feeling like nothing can bring me down, highly spiritual and like I am part of something bigger than myself, sense of grandiosity.

-

I remember the last time this happened to me. March 10, 2021. Can't remember why, but I was sleeping alone instead of sharing the room with my sister. I was depressed, and wrote a thread on Twitter that I hadn't intended for anyone to read. I deal with my feelings by writing about them and then rereading them, partly to admire my work, but mostly to reflect and see how far I've come.

I went to sleep pretty late that night, but the next morning that I woke up, everything looked different. The colours were brighter, the birds were chirpier, and I was suddenly no longer depressed. I noticed the way the sunlight entered my room, and how cool the air felt despite it being a very hot summer. I was so moved and inspired by the change that I ended up posting on Instagram about it. It was one of the most surreal feelings in the world, and all I could say was thank you. It had felt like someone had listened.

That lasted for a good 6 months, maybe a year. After that, I came crashing down. Not as steeply as one would expect, but that was mostly because I was drowning in work and barely had the time to think about my feelings and take them into account. Moved to Australia, something triggered me, and everyone knows what happened after that.

I have been chasing that high ever since. It was a very productive period in my life, and I ended up doing so many things that I still can't help but be proud of. I set an extremely high bar - a standard that many people now strive to live up to. It has been almost 2 years since I graduated, and the people that I worked with and worked for still remember me so fondly.

I made myself irreplaceable. I am irreplaceable. There's not another quite like me.

-

The truth is, nothing can ever go wrong for me. Everything that happens, even the things that I get so awfully mad about - they all happen because they are the greatest things that could ever happen to me. And I am not saying this to give myself hope or something. I genuinely believe what I am saying, because even though I cringe and gag at some of the things I have done, I do not have a single regret. There is not a single moment in my life that I could point to and say, "I want to go back to and do that differently." I got one shot at everything I have done so far, and I have not done a single thing wrong.

> What about the boys that hurt you? You've mentioned previously that one (or maybe a few?) of them ruined your life / turned them upside down.

I shouldn't regret that. I did nothing wrong. All I have going for me is my moral conscience, and that is clear. If anything, they are the ones who should be regretting mistreating another person. I am not going to regret liking them and being human.

> What about the tests / courses you didn't study for? Surely you regret not keeping up with your work?

Ah, see, it is true that I should have studied a little harder, and then maybe I would've scored an even better mark than I did. But the things that I neglected my studies for - dealing with the tumult in my head, spending time with my friends and being there for them, going out and / or connecting with people - they helped me make memories. I remember scoring 100/100 for a geography exam when I was in year 5. I couldn't tell you any of the content that I studied, even though that mark is supposed to somehow mean that I know my shit, but I can tell you all about the things we did in class that we weren't supposed to, and all the dumb, stupid things we got into, as kids often do. And how my entire class had my back when someone I was intimidated by almost came back and threatened my safety.

Everything I have ever done has led up to every big achievement that I have under my belt, and I would never trade any of that for the world. None of the "missteps", none of the calculated moves.

-

So, with that said, might as well reveal my realisation.

Whatever is meant to be, will be.

I know. I built it up so much to let you down with the most basic realisation ever. This is the "Live, Laugh, Love" of realisations. But hear me out.

There is someone or something looking out for me. Or maybe there is nothing and no one. Maybe I'm the one responsible for everything that happens to me, good or bad.

But one thing I know for sure is that nothing bad can ever happen to a person who has so many people rooting for them. Duas (prayers) don't go unanswered. I have the biggest army of people behind me, only wanting the best for me. Shout out to my entire family - my #1 supporters and forever my biggest fans. And then the smartest, kindest, warmest people I have ever had the pleasure to meet - Samira, Fabiha, Nujat, Bushra, Arafat, Ajeet, Sumaita, Helen, Duong, Shafayat, Daiyan, Farah - and so many more people that I haven't mentioned here. And then my counsellors in high school, my teachers who still see in me things that I fail to, the friends that I made and lost but who never stopped wanting the best for me, and just anyone who has ever touched my life so profoundly that it completely changed.

And me. I'm rooting for me.

Life gets hard. It takes its toll on me and makes me cry sometimes. There are days when it gets so bad that I can't not resort to harming myself. I still have my stressors, my responsibilities, and the list of things I need to do before I die. Every day, I worry.

That will never change. Such is the nature of the life that I must lead. This is what has been willed, what has been chosen. And so I will. There are going to be many more days that I come back on here and wail about how I am the victim of an elaborate scheme that was hatched just to cause me pain and make my life hard. There are going to be even more days when I will just not want to do anything.

But I hope that, even on those days, I can remember who I am.

It is easy to forget the amount of things that I made happen, the number of lives I touched, and just the impact my existence has had on so many things that I have decided to be involved in. Because of my work with children and young adults, and in the social impact space, I have, for better or worse, had a role to play in the shaping of countless lives. And these are lives that are going to change others' lives.

That is how I live on. Forever.

This is how I want to be remembered. This is going to be my legacy. I did not realise until now, but I am so perfectly positioned to achieve everything that I want to. All I need to do is trust my instinct and keep going the way I have been going so far. Amma and abba are behind me. Nana and nanu are behind me. Dada and dadu are watching from above and smiling.

// Side note - never really got to spend too much time with them, but I kind of miss my dada and dadu today. I will pray Fajr today for your souls. I hope I can make all of you proud.

Whatever is meant to be, whoever is meant to be; everything and everyone will find their way to me, and I, to them. This is me letting go. This is me trusting and putting my faith in whoever it is that is looking after me.

I believe.