Starting a conversation. Maybe.

It is currently 0930 hours, and I just made myself the strongest coffee in the world.

While stirring my coffee, I thought about adding poison to it.

Twice.

I had to actively stop myself from doing that. They weren't just random intrusive thoughts that came into my mind; these were thoughts that I have been consciously and subconsciously thinking about for the last couple of weeks. I never told anyone, but I had a major mental breakdown 5 weeks ago, and I haven't quite recovered from it completely yet. I've been self-harming more often - trying to cut (but I own the bluntest knives on this planet) and punching walls (still recovering from the bruises). Mini breakdowns are a part of my daily routine now.

A lot of people don't know this, but I am currently in therapy. I called the psychology clinic at my university while crying and eating KFC, trying to put some food into my body after barely having eaten in days. I have been seeing my therapist for over a month now. I already have depression and anxiety, from what he's told me. He's recently asked me to get screened for bipolar disorder.

That shouldn't have come as much of a shock; I've always suspected that I might be bipolar, but to have that suspicion also (kind of) confirmed by a professional was a jarring feeling. I felt very proud of myself at the moment for being so smart, but then the realisation sunk in and it just made me feel... sad? I'm always right. I wish I wasn't.

I'll explain what being bipolar feels like. Every morning I wake up, there is a 50% chance that I might want to kill myself, and another 50% that I will tell myself that I will have the best day today. Today will be the day I change my life around. Today, I am God.

The entire day is like a sinusoidal curve - my mood keeps going up and down, and the tiniest inconvenience can cause a breakdown. Some minutes I feel the prettiest, the smartest, the kindest, the (insert good adjective)-est, and then the next minutes I am at the lowest point in my life that I have ever been in. I am the dumbest, the evillest, the ugliest, the worst - and I believe that more than I believe any of the good stuff about myself.

2 days ago, I unironically said that I might be a danger to myself. Today, I can confidently say that I am a danger to myself. I am looking for the quickest and easiest ways to die right now, but I haven't done it yet because I have commitments that I made. And also because I don't want to disappoint anyone.

> Oh but Nuren, wouldn't you be disappointing everyone if you killed yourself?

They won't even know. Not until at least for the next few weeks. I live with 2 more people, and if I off'd myself right now, they wouldn't know until probably the next Sunday or something. I ghost my friends all the time, so they'd just think I'm ghosting them as well. I haven't been keeping up with family that much either, so they'd probably chalk that up to just me being busy.

Yeah, I'm busy. Busy dying.

My family is made of perhaps some of the sweetest people on this planet. And I absolutely hate doing this to them. If they ever found out just the thoughts that I live with, it would break their hearts so much.

I'm crying writing this. I just wish I was normal.

I'm rude. I'm angry. When I'm not angry, I'm upset. If I'm not feeling either of these, I feel guilty. My anger issues have driven away people before, and it continues to do that to this very day. My mum and dad feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me because they don't know how I'm going to react. My sister does not tell me what's on her mind because she fears that I'll judge her or rebuke her. I have traumatised my family and they live in constant fear of my next outburst. I am no longer the victim.

How do I tell them that I love them? There is not a single group of people that I love more, that I wouldn't give my life for except them. I would happily give away every single thing I own, trade every bit of success and the last bit of my essence if it meant that they would be happy. I know what would make them happy - me not being like this.

But, man, these thoughts. These fucking thoughts.

You don't know what it's like when your mind is a constant warzone and you can barely explain what's happening because you have 1000 thoughts per second. I've got the fucking devil in my head, but 2 of them, and a meek me fighting against them. I am dragging these devils around because of all the baggage that I am carrying, and I am drained, trying to have to fight them every time I breathe. There's only so much strength that I have.

I am disappointing. I am incompetent. I am a menace. I blame a God I don't believe in for the state I am in, because the truth is that I hate myself and I don't know why. I set everything I touch on fire. I am the type of person people stay away from, because I will burn them.

I am waiting for my time to come. I can feel death approaching, tiptoeing because it thinks that it will spook me. What it doesn't realise is that it is my greatest friend that I haven't met yet.

I will embrace it with open arms when it's here.

-

In life, there will be moments when you will have to choose between yourself and rest of the world. This could be your work, your goals, your studies, your friends or even your family.

Don't make the mistake I made. Choose yourself.

Always.

(Will update this later with pictures. Today is just not it, man.)