main character syndrome

// for some reason, a few posts of mine have gained a bit of traction, and there have been a few anonymous comments left on them. i don't know who you are, but thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. this blog was not meant to reach a wider audience, but i guess the internet is what it is. // also, i really would love to hear from you guys (not anonymously). feel free to drop me an email at nuren146@gmail.com, or find me on IG at @alahee21. what i think is funny is how dumb i am. my friends will read that and roll their eyes, and they will be the first to remind me of my achievements so that i would stop labelling myself. to that i say, and i hope this comes to you as a surprise, i actually think i am quite smart. but that's not the point. > nuren, you're confusing us. what are you on about? right, sorry. i'll rephrase so that it's clearer. it is quite funny how, for someone who is so smart, i am actually so dumb. one of my most favourite things to do...

chup mahi, chup hain ranjha bole kaise ve na ja bole kaise ve na ja, aaja, aaja - ranjha (from "shershaah") it has been over 2 months since that happened. i should be over it by now, but i was clearing out my gallery and recently deleted folder, and came across a picture. it did not help. it is easy to say that you're over someone if you aren't seeing them. the challenge is to look them in the eye and see their smile and hear their voice and still be able to say, "this is not what i want anymore." life is super weird for me right now, if i'm being honest. i am in one of the most productive periods in my life, and i'm constantly pushing myself and challenging myself to do the things that really fulfil me. there is not a single more thing that i could ask for (unless you want to give me money or food, in which case, i can never have enough of that), and things are just going according to plan. i am surrounded by people i love, and letting go of people ...

i do not deal with loss very well. think of me as harvey specter , minus the harvey specter part of it. i like to win. a lot. at everything. so when i fail a test, or do worse than what i expect of myself, i am not happy. so when i lose a game, i am disappointed. so when i lose a challenge / bet, i am upset. and when i lose a person, a connection, i am devastated. and it doesn't even have to be a romantic connection. a friend, an acquaintance, someone who was in my life since i was born. i feel their absence everywhere. they were such a normal, routine part of my life, and now you are asking me to... forget? pretend like they never existed? i have done that before. for someone who claims to not do well with loss, i am surprisingly very, very good at cutting people off and looking through them when i see them at some place. almost unfazed. the keyword here is almost. i am not unfazed. every time i see their faces, it feels like a kick to my stomach that knocks the wind out of my bod...

tera bara yaad aata hain humein. pata nehi kyu, lekin kabhi kabhi aise hi tere bare mein sochna shuru kar dete hain. laaga tha ke agar tera harr nishan mita denge toh shayad ye dard thoda kam ho jayega, lekin saala pata nehi kyu ye gham toh chhodne ka naam hi nehi le raha. ekdin tujhe bhul jayenge hum. pata hain. bas afsos hain ki bhulne ke siwa aur koi option nehi hain. kaash aisa hota ke aisa kabhi bhi nehi hota. aaj bhi kabhi kabhi kuch cheezey delete kar dete hain hum. agar phirse tujhe history dekhna ho toh? aaj bhi restaurants mein jaate hain toh chopsticks istemal karne ki koshish karte hain. taakein tujhe phirse ye na bolna pare ke bas ek hi fork chahiye, do nehi. aaj bhi pictures lene ke baad tujhe bhejne ka mann karta hain. lekin pata hain ke tujhe koi interest hi nehi hain usme. humein chhod kar bohot durr chala gaya hain tu. bohot pehle hi hua tha ye, hum bas manne se rahein. itna durr ke chillane se bhi koi farq nehi padega; tujhe sunai hi nehi dega. kabhi kabhi laagta hai...