ranjha (from "shershaah")

chup mahi, chup hain ranjha

bole kaise ve na ja

bole kaise ve na ja, aaja, aaja

- ranjha (from "shershaah")

it has been over 2 months since that happened. i should be over it by now, but i was clearing out my gallery and recently deleted folder, and came across a picture. it did not help.

it is easy to say that you're over someone if you aren't seeing them. the challenge is to look them in the eye and see their smile and hear their voice and still be able to say, "this is not what i want anymore."

life is super weird for me right now, if i'm being honest. i am in one of the most productive periods in my life, and i'm constantly pushing myself and challenging myself to do the things that really fulfil me. there is not a single more thing that i could ask for (unless you want to give me money or food, in which case, i can never have enough of that), and things are just going according to plan. i am surrounded by people i love, and letting go of people and situations that only stress me. basically, i am thriving and i am quite content.

and yet.

yet, when i have a little bit of free time, or allow my thoughts to wander, i am confronted by thoughts of you. i have no idea how i got myself stuck in whatever this is with you. i have no idea how i got so trapped that i am unable to get out. i have no idea what happened, but whatever happened, i still haven't been able to accept it and move on.

and it truly is so wild, because i can't even talk about this with other people. they just tell me that i should give it some time, that i will eventually heal, or they ask me to just move the fuck on because how am i still upset about a guy that i was never really involved with? i mean, we only really saw each other a grand total of 3 times, and then that 1 time that i walked past you because i didn't know what else to do.

i can't even begin to explain the number of times i have looked you up or found our conversation, and then wanted to reach out. i keep replaying every word we've ever spoken to each other, every laughter shared, every moment spent together, every look on your face. they hold a special place in the corridors of my mind, forming a tapestry of memories that will forever be etched into my soul.

i'm genuinely baffled and frankly quite disgusted by myself. i should not still be thinking about a person who was never genuine to begin with. i'm pretty sure it was all a game to you, anyway. you're a math major. it's all about the numbers, isn't it? emotions be damned.

every time i sit down to reflect on my feelings - and they often have something to do with you - i am reminded of what you said to me the first time i ever saw you.

"have you written about me," you asked.

"not at all," i lied.

"i'll leave such an impact that you will keep writing about me," you promised.

i wish you had kept the other promises you had made as well. the one that you managed to keep is the one that comes back to haunt me, to hurt me. and i know that we've already passed the point of no return. but perhaps, maybe just this once, we could rewrite the rules? maybe we could make it work in our favour?

but i also know that you're so far gone. to hope is to willingly be a fool. to expect anything at all is to live in denial. but this heart, man, you know. it's weak, and it wants to hold on to whatever little ounce of hope that it can find, just so it does not have to break again.

it's dying. everyday, it breaks a little and the cracks appear and i'm left to mend them on my own. the longer it waits, the worse it hurts. and i promise i have tried to explain, a thousand times over, that it should give up and allow me to move on, but it insists.

and really, what can i even do? it does not want to forget the ones who once dwelled in it.

perhaps it will get its wish when it is finally dead.