loss of connection

i do not deal with loss very well. think of me as harvey specter, minus the harvey specter part of it. i like to win. a lot. at everything.

so when i fail a test, or do worse than what i expect of myself, i am not happy.

so when i lose a game, i am disappointed.

so when i lose a challenge / bet, i am upset.

and when i lose a person, a connection, i am devastated.

and it doesn't even have to be a romantic connection. a friend, an acquaintance, someone who was in my life since i was born. i feel their absence everywhere. they were such a normal, routine part of my life, and now you are asking me to... forget? pretend like they never existed?

i have done that before. for someone who claims to not do well with loss, i am surprisingly very, very good at cutting people off and looking through them when i see them at some place. almost unfazed.

the keyword here is almost. i am not unfazed. every time i see their faces, it feels like a kick to my stomach that knocks the wind out of my body and makes me want to fall onto the floor like a crumpled piece of paper. my face will never give that away, but every cell in my body screams and yells at me and asks me to bring them back into my life. it physically shuts down and takes 10 seconds to rewire itself.

as though it were that easy. as though you would want to know me again.

i act cold and like i want nothing to do with you, ever, but you remind me of a time in my life when my life was better because you were in it. i act like i'm only in the same place as you because i do not have an option, and i would much rather be elsewhere, when i wish that we could go back to when we chose to be together, even though we had just finished a long day at work and had to show up again at 08:00. i act like i don't know you, when i can still recognise you from your shadow even when you're standing far away. i can't not recognise you. call it being delusional, but i know instinctively when you're close even when i'm not looking at you. even when we are separated. like you're my iPhone and i'm the find my app.

someone explain to me, because i am a 5 year old who never learned how to deal with people leaving. how can people be normal after losing people who were essentially an extension of themselves? how can you just get up and leave, or allow others to leave, and be like, "yep, this is fine?" how do you not feel incomplete? how are you just.. okay?

aaj jane ki zid na karo.

i have looked people right in their eyes and pretended like i hadn't shared some very happy moments with them just days ago. i have seen the hurt in their eyes when i pretended to be disgusted by the sight of their face. speaking of which, i don't really know if they were hurt anymore. i wonder if i made that part up or hallucinated, because they seem to be completely unaffected by my absence. not just that, but they seem to not want anything to do with me, ever again.

which brings me to my next question - was i just being awfully delusional when i thought that these people and i had a connection, and trying to force something? did they never feel anything? no desire to keep in touch?

and some of these people had made promises of always being in my life. we were going to do everything together! sure, we were going to be pulled in a million different directions after graduation, but we had such an elaborate, foolproof plan! we were going to come back and meet again, and it would be just like old times. we'd wear our sarees and kameezs and share stories of girls being bitches and guys being dicks. and when one by one, all of us eventually got married, we'd dance at one another's weddings, the whole squad, and absolutely embarrass the hell out of the one getting married.

of course, we forgot to account for life pulling us apart before we even graduated. we forgot to account for the million miles in between us even when we were all in the same place. ours was a connection built on shaky grounds with paper thin cards; of course it fell apart when the tiniest wind blew in its direction.

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perhaps i cross their minds occasionally. perhaps they think of me in passing and wonder how i am doing. i still remember their birthdays, and when the day comes around, i have to fight the urge of texting them and telling them how much i miss them. i know everyone around me has moved on. i wish i could, too. i hate being stuck in the past.

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i wish you'd just reach out. if you think of me, let me know. i'd rather hear from you after a long time than never hear from you, ever again. i miss you, my friend.

holding out hope that we will all be together again, perhaps in another life.