Bonnie Killed Clyde

// for some reason, a few posts of mine have gained a bit of traction, and there have been a few anonymous comments left on them. i don't know who you are, but thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. this blog was not meant to reach a wider audience, but i guess the internet is what it is.

// also, i really would love to hear from you guys (not anonymously). feel free to drop me an email at nuren146@gmail.com, or find me on IG at @alahee21.

what i think is funny is how dumb i am.

my friends will read that and roll their eyes, and they will be the first to remind me of my achievements so that i would stop labelling myself. to that i say, and i hope this comes to you as a surprise, i actually think i am quite smart. but that's not the point.

> nuren, you're confusing us. what are you on about?

right, sorry. i'll rephrase so that it's clearer. it is quite funny how, for someone who is so smart, i am actually so dumb.

one of my most favourite things to do is think about my life and reflect on the things that are happening to me / with me / around me, then write how i feel because it is of utmost importance to me that i share my thoughts with others, whether they read them or not.

and if you have read the last couple of blog posts that i have put up, you will know that a specific person has been the recurring theme for them. this person has either had posts dedicated to them, or they have inspired my reflecting on past experiences and writing about those. 

as they would put it, they have "left an impact" on me. and if they ever came across these posts, they'd be very pleased with themselves, i'm sure.

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yes, you have been on my mind for a while. i'm actually ill now, have been for a couple of days, but as the illness cures itself and my brain clears, i am starting to realise something i should have probably gotten out of the way so long ago.

i actually don't care about you anymore.

that sounds so dramatic, but who would i be if not that? i am a person that employs writing as a medium of expression - the purest, most vulnerable form of art. free of ambiguity. a little bit of drama is allowed.

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i was in class today, and without giving away too much, the professor mentioned something about some sessions being run concurrently with other courses. i instantly froze for a second, my heart sinking, anxiety taking over my body. what if i ran into you? even worse, what if i had to talk to you?

this happened yesterday too, because i was on campus and was worried that i'd run into you on my way to class and wouldn't know how to react. that you'd read something on my face and take that as a win for you. ironically, i kept scanning the sea of faces, hoping that one of those would be yours.

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and then today, just like that, something in my head clicked.

none of that actually matters.

i've been in situations that were awful. i've had to be okay with a close friend of mine dating an ex that absolutely turned my life upside down. i had to actually work in close proximity with this same ex, not because i wanted to, but because i had to. it was also weird because i was technically his "superior", which meant that i couldn't not talk to him.

and in every one of those situations, i was fine.

i do not, and i cannot, allow my personal life to mix with my "professional" one. that's how i survive and thrive. it has worked excellently so far, and all it has done is keep me on my upward trajectory.

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i am dumb for ever allowing myself to believe that i was somehow inferior to you. that you were so much smarter, so much better, so much <insert good adjective here>-er, than me. and as the virus in my body leaves me, so do these thoughts. in a way, they were viruses, too. only difference is that you're the one that actually put those there in the first place.

that superiority complex. that narcissistic, egotistic response to everything. that constant desire to be complimented and validated because you thrive on it. always believing that whatever opinion you hold is the one that is objectively correct, and treating everything i had to say with hostility. 

all these red flags and i'm just seeing them now.

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now, the realisation isn't that i am better than you. that could never be true, because you and i are on completely different, incomparable paths. our goals, experiences, just about anything and everything that you can think of, are and will always be different. i didn't have an absent parent in my life, but you didn't have a parent that you wished was not around to begin with. i didn't have to leave my home at the age of 6, but you didn't have to ever say goodbye to your entire support system and be asked to make your own place in a new nation, all on your own. i don't have to worry about creating a financial safety net as soon as i possibly can, but you don't have to worry about creating an identity that is more than just being "X's daughter" or "Y's wife". i have had my share of ups and downs, and you have had yours. our struggles aren't better or worse when compared; they just are.

the realisation, however, is that it does not matter who you are anymore, because your existence does not impact my life in any way. our paths crossed in this life, for a brief period of time, as paths often do. you came, i learned, you left, i learned even more. in the grand scheme of my life, you are no different to the stranger who smiles at me as i walk up the stairs, or the barista who makes my coffee (when i actually get coffee [never]). they teach me different things in their own way, but that's it. that is where their role in my life ends.

did it hurt me? yes.

do i wish things had ended differently? maybe.

do i care? not in the way others might think, no.

i do care, because i am human and i can't not care. but i care about you as much as i care about anyone on this planet. i will be there if you needed me, but out of sight, out of mind.

things are what they are. you were the one who told me that you must give things a shot, and then if they don't work out, move on. that's what i am doing. i am moving on.

there are always going to be small things that remind me of you - the song that led to the beginning of this end, the two places that we both spent time in, the [redacted] i got you because i was worried that you wouldn't have much to eat. and perhaps, for a moment, i will think about you again and replay everything in my head. but i won't be sad anymore. a little nostalgic, maybe, but it's a chapter of my life that i'm saying goodbye to.

so you do you, and i'll do me. if we ever come together, for whatever reason, in whatever way -

well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

// i titled this "bonnie killed clyde" because i was listening to this and felt that the lyrics spoke to me, as it described me on both sides of the story. in the end, however, i am bonnie. you are not my clyde, but for the sake of the analogy, you are.

// not that anyone cares but i use "//" to add commentary or text that is not necessarily a part of my post. most of the code that i write for class is in C, and "//" is used to add comments. that's where this comes from.