Reflections and Realisations - Part II

This is a continuation of Reflections and Realisations - Part I. If you haven't read that yet, please check it out first!

I was rushing to move on because I thought I had to be over this boy by x days. I hadn't known him for that long, so why should I be hung up on him for such a long time? Unfortunately, I was only harming myself more than I was helping. The duration didn't determine how strongly I felt about him. That was just something that happened.

I wanted to share everything with him, even if it was just as a friend. I reached out asking if that was an option, but he said that he puts distance between himself and "former romantic partners" (lol) because it is not very helpful for moving on. I am not sure who he was talking about, but with the way he's talked about me, it is safe to bet that it was me he was referring to.

I thought, "He should be here," but the reality was that he wasn't, and he isn't here right now, either. In hindsight, he was actually never there, but I wanted to believe otherwise. I wanted to believe that he actually cared about me as a person, but I don't think my words ever got through to him. I thought he helped with my anxiety, but he never really saw it in the first place. He never really listened, because what the hell do you mean that I was just being silly? I know I was being silly. That is literally why I was talking to you.

However, despite all of this, I can be proud of myself for always trying. Whatever I do, I am always 100% into it. I love with my entire being, I jump headfirst, and I keep giving it my best efforts until the very end. I'm only 20; I'm going to meet so many other people and have my heart broken so many more times, but one day, I'll meet someone that'll feel about me just as I feel about them, and it'll all make sense.

A message to myself

I will not sit here and claim to have all the answers because I do not. I also do not have a guide to getting over someone, or dealing with heartbreak, but I will tell you this. No person in this world is impossible to get over, and you will find love again.

You will not believe a word of what I am saying right now, but that is okay. I wouldn't believe this either if it was a few weeks ago, but life finds a way.

I still do not know what lessons I am supposed to take, or why the universe put him on my path. What I do know is that if the universe can put him on my path once, if it's meant to be, he will come back again. But I will not sit here and wait for that to happen.

Look at where you are in life now, and how far you have come. You must trust that everything will always work out in your favour. You can choose to keep the hope alive, but do not let that block you from finding love with someone else.

Maktub, my friend.

Whatever happens, allow it to happen. Give yourself time and space, you will be okay.

Part II - Realisations

Realisation numero uno - I need to stop shitting on him even though it is very funny. I honestly have no hatred for him, only a lot of love and adoration. I have moved on, but I do not, cannot, forget people. Especially the ones that once made me so happy. They just stay alive in my heart forever.

Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Now, moving on to serious realisations:

• There is no "normal" way of doing / feeling anything. Whatever works for you, works for you. Just because it is different does not make it wrong. I feel "too" intensely and "too" quickly, but who the hell said that there was a limit to how much and how fast you could feel things? Emotions cannot be controlled, and shouldn't be, either. And if you disagree, please point me to the global committee that we apparently have formed for this because I never received the memo.
• I am a very interesting person, and everything about me is actually much cooler than I admit. Some people will recognise that, others will not. That is okay.
• What is not okay, however, is putting myself second. I am never making that mistake again. I ended up giving up too much of myself for too little of him in return, and I am never sacrificing myself like that again. Neither is it sustainable nor is it worth it.
• I will probably continue occasionally remembering the good times that I spent when this boy was in my life. I do not want to forget, because I like good memories but more importantly because I do not want to lose the lessons that I learned. I might also miss what could have been, but that is just a normal part of life.
• I must stop beating myself up for the actions of others. It is not my fault that they cannot value me / like me / care for me the way they need to. I must stop making excuses for their behaviour.
• I am doing very, very well. It might not look like it, but I am making so much progress and I need to celebrate myself for that.
• I'd be damned if I ever let another man treat me like I am just a temporary thing that they can pick up and drop when I am no longer "exciting" to them. I am not Woody and they are not Andy. This is not Toy Story.

And perhaps the most important realisation of all, I put too much pressure on myself. There is no perfect timeline in life. I do not have to have the perfect boyfriend by the year 20xx, nor do I have to be the most successful person on this planet by y years. Shit will keep coming my way. I just need to keep focusing on me, because I am the only thing that actually matters. Also, I need to live a little more in the moment instead of worrying about the past or the present. I've come so, so far, and I've survived every single moment that I thought I wouldn't, including the ones when I thought I was going to end up killing myself.

Ruhbayna miss would be so happy that I am saying this, but I truly believe that I am destined for greatness. I am not sure what my greatness looks like, but I know that I'll get there sooner rather than later. I just have to keep trying.

So here's to me. Here's to me for being everything that I wished I was 10 years ago. Literally studying at a top 50 university in the world, on a full scholarship that I received because of the person that I am and everything I have achieved. Proper, stable jobs, a loving and healthy family, amazing friends that I know will always have my back, and most importantly, a living, breathing me.

And here's to me, for being on my way to becoming the person that I want to be. May I always have my back. May I always believe in myself the way other people do. May I always show up for myself.

Aiming for the moon. You best believe I'll land on it too.

And for you, I hope you get everything that you've ever wanted and everything that you deserve. I hope that one day, you meet someone that is everything that you want, and together, you guys can go to that one place in Sweden that you want to and achieve your dream. I wish for nothing but the best for you. You are a good person for the emotional age that you are at.