Reflections and realisations - Part I

Disclaimer - Whoever you think this post is about, no it isn't. I am trying not to get sued.

I have never written a post when I was not depressed, but I thought this would be nice for a change. I am not exactly manic at the moment, but I think it is starting soon.

I have my face mask (Calcium Bentonite / oily skin) on right now, and SZA's new album, SOS, is playing on my iPad. This is my version of a rich woman sipping wine and relaxing. Kill Bill might be my favourite song on this album.

I have been going through it recently (obviously), and at first, I was embarrassed, but I've realised that I am just experiencing what any person in their 20s does. This is normal. I am normal. I always have been.

Part I - Reflections

I took this picture the first night / day that I spoke to him. It was 5 AM, and he had just gone to sleep, and I decided to go out for a run. | Eastlakes, Sydney, Australia

I am going to talk about what I went through after the entire "I got dumped in a week" fiasco. That was quite difficult to take, because everything seemed to be so perfect and I thought that we were still in the process of getting to know each other, so what happened just felt like a fever dream. It is perhaps one of the messiest situations I've ever been in.

I think I blamed myself for a while. I moved too fast, I was too honest, I showed all my cards at once, the whole shebang. I was devastated because I really did like the boy I was seeing and I felt that this could have been a long-time thing. This was also my first "relationship" in 4, maybe 5 years. I was scared to allow myself to be vulnerable like that again, but everything felt easy and natural with him. I was happy.

Then it all came crashing down in the middle of a workday. I was worried sick, fearing the worst, for the 24 hours before it happened. Ironic, too, because on my way to work, I was fixing my calendar and putting his birthday down as a proper event, making notes so that when the time came, I could get him a nice gift. Unfortunately, he had already decided that he was going to dump me 9 hours before that. I'm not sure, but I think he composed the message after I messaged him the night before (I saw the time on the screenshot of the note he wrote). I was anxious, and went to sleep feeling that way the night before, and even though he could've dispelled my fears that night, he chose not to.

The first few days were the worst. I was either sleeping or crying, and I could barely bring myself to get out of my bed, much less my room. I felt like a ghost floating around in my own house. I had put in all of this effort and did everything right, then why did I get burned again? What did I do to deserve this? Why did I have to feel so much?

I spoke to the boy, trying to get closure, but his answers weren't exactly answers and left me with more questions than what I started with. I felt anger at some of his responses, because the way he phrased things painted me as the villain. I don't think it was his intention, but he made it seem like my mental health struggles were a problem. "delicate mental state," he said. "i try to avoid relationships that might 'hold me back.'" Not sure why he mentioned my scholarship, but somehow even that was a problem? He also said that he felt bad for me because I had issues, which is why he was reassuring me even if he might not have believed what he was saying. And the worst part - he said that we should stop talking because I might get too attached and become toxic.

For the longest time, I believed that I was the one that was the problem. That maybe me possibly being bipolar means that no one will ever want to be around me, and that was the reason that he didn't want anything to do with me. That maybe it scared people that I felt things so intensely. That maybe I was just too much to handle, and carried with me so much baggage that people would run away the moment they got the slightest glimpse of it. I had worked very, very hard to let go of these beliefs, but in a moment, he brought them all back.

I was upset, angry, guilty and embarrassed. I knew what was going to happen, but I still took the risk and jumped headfirst. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I was too emotional and showed him everything that was going on in my head. Moreover, everything happened in the span of a week, 10 days maybe, then why was I so upset about it? God, how embarrassing.

I hated myself for being the way that I am, and I hated a God that I don't believe in for making me the way I am. I spent the longest time listening to sad songs and crying, sleeping longer than I needed to, and missing a boy that probably doesn't even remember my last name anymore.

And then.

Found this on Twitter. I blamed the timing for being wrong, because I was "too mentally ill" and that's why he left.

I was never the problem. Neither was he, to be honest. I'm not sure if he truly believed it or if it was just a generic breakup message, but he was right when he said that we are 2 extremely different individuals. And I know relationships work even if you are polar opposites, but we are on 2 completely different wavelengths.

I packed my bags and gave up everything I ever knew and everyone I ever loved to move to a country that is not mine. Not only am I a full-time student, but I am also an international full-time student working part-time to pay bills, constantly having to prove myself to people who neither look nor talk like me, just to survive. I don't have to worry just about myself and everything going on in my life, but also about everything that is happening back home, with my family, extended family, friends and the nation in general. Oh, and did I mention my scholarship? The one that I have to make sure I pass all my courses for, even though my mental health isn't always at its best because otherwise, I have to pay $50k/year? Yeah.

He doesn't have to concern himself with any of these things, because this is where he was born and this is where he's lived for his entire life. Everyone he's ever known lives in this country. His entire support system is here. Mine isn't. Mine is spread all across the globe, across different time zones. Still as strong as ever, and the best people I could have ever asked for.

This looks like I am shitting on him. I can neither confirm nor deny that.

My point is, in terms of personal growth and development, and I don't mean to brag, but I am miles ahead of him. I had to grow up much quicker because I didn't have the privilege of being born in a first-world country. I had to learn more things than are normal for a young child to ensure my survival. And I am sure that he's been through his fair share of absolute hell, but from what I have gathered, I do not think he compares to me at all.

And he never took the time to learn about me or my context. The person that I am, the person that I had to be, the things I have done or the situations I have been in. He kept insisting that he knows and understands me despite my telling him that he never got to actually see me, but then also said that there are many things about him that I don't know. The irony.

Clearly, I am still angry about this, and I have the right to be too. You don't get to break someone's heart and then act all superior, while still showing signs of being narcissistic, emotionally unintelligent and immature. I hate saying this, but I would rather be honest than reassure someone and sugarcoat my words. Not all of us can be like him.

In the end, I don't blame either of us for whatever happened. He is who he is because of the cards that he has been dealt in life, and the same applies to me. I enjoyed the very brief period of time that I got to spend with him, and if I could do it all over again, I would. At this point in time, however, we are better off walking our own individual paths. Kudos to him for recognising that before me. At least he knows himself well enough, even if he isn't very self-aware.

I have part II written as well, but this blog post was getting too long so I am going to save it to post on a later date. Also, I actually do not hate the boy. I didn't even know I was dating him until he dumped me, because we labelled it as "casual dating" and he never formally asked me to date him. We also only went on one date (that did last for ~20 hours) so I guess my confusion is somewhat justified. I just think he's really, really stupid, and only liked me for superficial reasons.

Also, while I was editing this blog post, Who Hurt You? by Daniel Caesar started playing. It was also one of the songs that was playing in his car the day I saw him, and he knows that it is one of my favourite songs (probably giving his memory way too much credit). We both absolutely love Daniel Caesar, so I am always reminded of him whenever one of Caesar's songs starts playing. I ended up seeing a happily ever after together, especially because of the music. Thinking of that now just makes me laugh.

I went to the cathedral on my last day of being in Sydney. It almost felt like the cathedral was calling out and asking me to visit. I am glad I went; it helped me collect my thoughts. | St Mary's Cathedral, Sydney, Australia