one point, one demand / এক দফা, এক দাবি

This has got to be the first time that I've felt a serious external threat to my life and the lives of those so very close to me. The fact that I felt fear like this, to this extent, despite being so incredibly far away from home, is a testament to the fact that I come from a country ruled by an actual dictator. We are in 2024, but it feels like these are scenes straight out of 1971.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure if I should even continue doing what I am. My life isn't necessarily at risk considering that I live here now, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't shitting myself every second worrying if my father will have to face the consequences of my actions. That should not be the case. That does not make any sense at all. Ironic too, really, considering that I don't feel like I've done enough, if at all.

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This is a situation that is evolving so quickly that it's difficult to get facts straight. It's been incredibly real since this started, but I think the first time I felt anything was when the communication blackout happened. My call got cut off while I was FaceTiming my dad, and for a couple hours after that, I could not get through to him. I was convinced someone was going to kill him. I think, for a second, I believed he was already dead.

Of course, communications were restored 13 days later. Those were some of the scariest days of my life - wondering if that last broken call wasn't the last time that I'd ever hear his voice. Every time I couldn't get through to him, I'd assume the worst.

I've been imagining him getting shot straight in the head every day ever since, even when I'm speaking to him. I fear that someone's going to come and shoot him and I won't find out until a week later. Even worse, maybe I'll be on call when it happens and I'll have to witness that. No one should ever have to live in fear like that.

The next time that I was genuinely moved was when I watched the video of someone's son, unconscious, being thrown to the ground from a tank. Army officials were "returning" his body to the streets, and while he was severely injured, my brother was still alive up until then. It was perhaps the most dehumanising video I've seen so far. They did not let my brother die with dignity; they didn't care that he was partially exposed. He fell to the ground like he was an inflatable dummy, breathing his last breath like a cow being sacrificed during Eid. I've replayed that video so many times and keep thinking about it. No one should ever be treated like that.

The worst, I think, came when Chattra League set my guidance counsellor's house on fire. Not just her, but the home of my employer/supervisor as well. I was back home just 2 months ago and enjoying dinner with these people. Suddenly my timeline was flooded with this one video of her asking for people to send help. They were trapped inside for 30 minutes before someone was able to do something, because the same criminals were restricting the fire brigade's access to their houses. No one should ever have to go through that.

And then it all culminated in fear for my loved ones' lives. My dad, to his credit, has been pretty fine for the most part since the conflict began. He's currently living by himself, so I'm very happy that he's been able to keep himself mentally sane. I've never seen this man be so shaken up in his entire life until today. He was telling me about how he stepped out of the house (can't remember why), and ended up running into miscreants on the street. He was in his car and drove back home as soon as he could. They could've set that car on fire or shot him through it. No one should ever have to experience terror and helplessness like that.

This is what my anxiety looks like daily, despite subconsciously knowing that my dad is going to be mostly fine. We live in a relatively safe neighbourhood and don't have links to any political party. He doesn't go out unless he absolutely needs to. He keeps to himself and tries to stay out of trouble's way as much as he can. As embarrassing as this is, I am glad that he hasn't been going out and joining the protests. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if something were to happen to him.

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I am still worried about my actions finding their way back to him. My name is linked to a protest in support of the movement, and while I am not on the government's radar yet (there are too many people to track), I am worried that if this gains traction and my identity is found, they will retaliate by threatening and harming my family. My mum goes back home soon, too. I don't know how I feel about her entering what is quite literally a warzone now.

This might as well be excessive paranoia, and maybe I genuinely am overreacting. No one will be happier than me if it turns out that I was worrying about nothing, but how do I not worry? I live a million miles away from them now. I'm constantly living on edge wondering if they're alive still as soon as I end the call. Put yourself in my shoes - would you not worry about your family's safety every day, too?

These senseless acts of violence must end. There's no returning to a "normal" after this. The people have spoken, and we seek our liberation. We ask for our freedom. This country does not belong to one single person - never has, never will.

I worry that tomorrow, the 5th of August, might be the biggest confrontation that the country will witness since our birth. It could go so many ways. They're ready to shoot anyone and everyone if we even remotely threaten their authority. We're unarmed except for the fire that burns in all of our hearts. Anything can happen. This is quite literally a civil war.

May the flag of Bangladesh keep flying high in the sky. May Allah protect all of my brothers and sisters. May Allah save us all.

Step down, Hasina.