on becoming apathetic (and other things)

I hate that I go through this cycle as often as I do. I will be good for a couple days, or weeks even if I'm lucky, and then it'll all come crashing down and I can't do anything anymore. I don't want to eat unless it's some greasy expensive food, I don't want to sleep but I don't want to get out of bed once I'm in. I don't want to talk to anyone but I can't fucking focus on my work.

Talking to people. That's a complicated topic for me to talk about. We'll give it a shot anyway.

Please note that it is currently past midnight and therefore anything and everything I say should be taken with a grain of salt. Thank you.

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I don't like talking to people most of the time. I do it because relationships are a two-way street, and you get back what you put into them. Humans thrive on connectedness and community, and I don't want to wake up one day and realise that my persistent depression stole from me some of the nicest people I've ever met.

But the truth is, I frankly don't care.

What a shitty thing to say about people I claim are my friends. I don't know how to explain it, though. It has nothing to do with them but everything to do with me. I don't find relationships intrinsically rewarding anymore. I don't think any of the emotions that I am experiencing are in any way, shape or form, unique, but every time I rant to a friend of mine, I feel even more frustrated than I did to begin with. I'm not sure where the problem is, but it's like they are unable to comprehend what I am saying and understand my needs. They don't get where I am coming from. They most definitely don't know how to assist me.

And it definitely goes the other way too. I used to love listening to people talk to me about the things that are bothering them, because I could empathise and be there for them. It's very difficult for me to do that now though. I'm happy to listen, but I'll get bored and frustrated very easily. Especially if it's something that we've talked about a few times, or I've previously been through. The solutions are very clear to me, but social rules say that I can't be practical. That I must hear you recite the entire story to me and demonstrate empathy and active listening skills before I can hint at the solutions.

I can't be arsed to do that.

And I wish more of my friends would approach our conversations the same way. I genuinely do not care if you "understand" me, and I don't care for you rephrasing what I've said and labelling it with emotion. Give me the solution! Tell me what I must do! Be brutally honest! Drop the pretense! I don't care anymore!

I hate having to pretend to be someone I'm not. I hate having to have conversations a certain way because I might end up offending someone by telling them what I'm thinking. I hate having to walk on eggshells around people instead of just saying it like it is. I don't like beating around the bush. I don't like having to be fake nice and only implying what I mean. I most definitely don't enjoy it when other people do this to me.

And I think that's where the apathy comes from. There is also an air of superiority in my writing, as though I am somehow better than the people I am talking about. I am not better. I am not unique and I am definitely not "above" anyone. I think I feel mostly misunderstood, and am struggling to understand these concepts that I used to think I had a strong grasp on. Why is it not socially acceptable to just tell people how I'm feeling? Why is it not socially acceptable to shut people down when I don't care about what they have to say? Why is it not socially acceptable to just get away from people in general?

I was discussing a text conversation with a friend today, where a person responded to me a week after I initially messaged them. I have no patience for slow replies, especially of that nature, because I think it is rather disrespectful. It wasn't that deep, to be honest, and I just acknowledged and expressed my mild annoyance at their response (in a joking manner) and moved on. My friend described my messages as "curt", which got me very confused. They said that I should have just played along with their joke.

There was another situation, today itself, where I was discussing how I felt that a mutual friend was perhaps negatively influencing my life. It had nothing to do with them but everything with me, and I was trying to figure out if I'd be the asshole if I did something about it. I was told that the way I was speaking about them, while understandable, was rather harsh and cold.

These expectations are quite confusing to me. I don't know how to sugarcoat my words in a way that might appease the masses. I prefer talking about things the way I perceive them, even if the choice of words is controversial sometimes. I dunno, wouldn't you rather I was extremely clear about what I meant and how I felt, instead of using many words and hoping you can infer what I mean from that?

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This is a rather perplexing feeling to navigate. I am not sure what I want to do, but I feel very bogged down by my duties, responsibilities and obligations, towards myself and other people. I have no control. That, in itself, is scary. I am trying to manoeuvre my way through this, but I'm not sure if it's working.

I do want a break, though. I'm tired, and bored. Mostly bored. I've allowed too many connections to drain me, and I'm starting to realise that most of them don't even serve a purpose anymore. I'm holding on for nostalgia's sake. There's no depth because I've stopped trying. 

And I really don't want to try anymore. I don't care! I don't want to get close to you! I don't want you to get close to me! I don't care about having friends! I don't want or need anyone! Half of these relationships don't even last anyway!

Ah. That last line. So that's where the problem is. Look at how it slyly manifested itself into apathy.

I am beyond saving.