the unobserved life / a schrödinger's cat

waiting rooms are funny places. i like to think of being in one as being suspended somewhere between fantasy and reality. much like schrödinger’s cat, people in waiting rooms exist in superposition. their reality is just outside the waiting room door. unobserved, this reality could be anything.

my life, then, could be described as a waiting room. i spend so much of my time in my head, my real life remains unobserved. shrouded in confusion and thoughts of anything and everything. somewhere between my past and my future, but never in the present. i'm unreachable - in a faraway land that both exists and doesn't exist at the same time. and like in a waiting room, things keep happening.

not sure where i'm going with this one. i've been watching Dark Matter on Apple TV+, thus the sudden inspiration.

in my waiting room, people sneak up on me. i don't notice when they enter the space, but once they do, i'm so focused on them and how they're making me feel that i don't have the time for anything else. i just observe helplessly, watching them move so gracefully and exist in peace. all that time, i don't think they notice me at all. they never look up to even glance in my direction. at some point, they end up getting up and leaving too. i may have not noticed them come in, but their going away? that will stay with me.

all this time, i'm still waiting for my turn. i'm waiting for my name to be called, to be allowed to exit this space that i exist and don't exist in. i'm waiting for someone to come up to me and say that i can now leave as well. it's lonely waiting by myself, so i try to keep myself occupied somehow. the waiting room is filled with nothing and everything at the same time, and it's difficult to get out of it. i watch people leave before me, even though i've waited for so much longer. i know i must be patient. i know i must wait for my turn, but it doesn't feel fair. i want to escape too.

so i sit and pretend like i'm not affected. i tell myself that being trapped within the confines of this space don't bother me at all. i stare into the distance when i think no one's watching me, and i reflect on where i came from and where i'm going to go. i go through the motions, knowing that only when i have a full understanding of this space is when i'll be ready to step through that door.

and suddenly, just like that, i hear my name. "Nuren?" a soft voice calls out. it's finally my turn to step through and discover what's waiting beyond that door for me. i know it won't be too long before i'm back here again, but for now, maybe i'll be okay. it's never as scary as it seems, anyway.

# i started this on the 28th of May and finally finished it at 6AM on the 6th of June. i have no idea what i was trying to do, but i really liked the idea of superposition and wanted to do something with this metaphor. the first paragraph came to me when i was trying to sleep haha.

really really happy to be back even though i've been incredibly busy ever since :)