my final goodbye :)
TW: Sensitive content.
thanks for your advice, chat. this is my final goodbye.
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this is a lot more difficult than i thought it would be. i genuinely believed that i could just sit down and spill everything, but i may no longer have any tears left to cry. which would make sense. all i've done is cry about this for the last 39281923 days anyway.
we'll see where this goes. i'm going to write whatever comes to me. it won't make sense.
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i have the greatest friends in the world. people who are happy to listen to me talk and talk again about the same thing. and give me advice too, even when it's the same advice they gave me the first time i talked about it. people who are actually willing to go to war against me, for me. i'm convinced that i wouldn't be alive today if i didn't have some of these people in my life.
to the friends that i used to have and the ones whose presence still grace my life, thank you. i owe my life to all of you. i can't kill myself because this is not my life to take anymore. thank you for saving me.
i put my friends through hell over and over, and i'm not sure why they put up with me, to be honest. if i was in their shoes, i would've walked away the moment i met myself. the fact that they haven't, yet, yeah i honestly don't know. i do commend your patience.
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the last couple of weeks are a bit of a blur, i can't lie. i've been incredibly busy and drained, but i've managed to stay floating somehow. i want to say that i did all of that on my own, but that's not true. people had my back every step of the way, and i am fortunate enough that i have them to fall back on when i need it. and people who would help me pick up pieces of myself so i don't have to do it on my own.
that doesn't mean that it has all been sunshine and rainbows. that's not my life and has never been that way. all of this feels like an exact repeat of last year. it's funny, because there are so many parallels that i can draw between the things that happened then and those happening now. only difference is that the self-harm has stopped, and there are more people and responsibilities now than last year.
what's ridiculous is that the last time i did engage in self-harm was because of you. i thought you brought me so much joy and peace, but i was genuinely delusional. less joy and more ecstasy - like the drug. that was not good for me, and i'm only starting to see that now. my life was so chaotic. i was so depressed. i was also an idiot though. i traded long-term stability for short-term delight.
it hasn't stopped hurting, if you were wondering by the way. there are still things that remind me of you, but it stings less now. i was crying a couple nights ago and thought to myself, "if he knew, he would've been here for me." i'm thinking about it now, and i think i lied to myself. there were times you knew. you didn't show up then.
you are a distant memory now. i don't remember your face or your voice. i see pictures of you occasionally for whatever reason, and my brain struggles to recall you. interesting how you look nothing like your pictures in my memories. maybe i just remember the version of you that i had hoped you would be. that does track, if you think about it; i never knew the you that other people raved about. i just remember the boy that played me like a fiddle and dropped me after he was done.
in the vast ocean that is my mind, you are but another passing ripple, no longer leaving a mark. yes, when you pop up, the ripple does spread all over and lasts for a little while, but when you're gone, it's like you never existed. quite consistent with my experiences with you. quite similar to how you treated me in the end. like i never mattered. like i never existed.
i've said this before and i'll say this again - it really would've been enough for me to just know you and be proper friends with you. i did not want to play any of these games that you put me through. i was never interested in doing half the things that we did. i didn't want to get hurt, and i didn't want to hurt you.
and i've said this to you before - it really would have been enough to know that you didn't feel the same way about me and we could've gone our own merry way. or if you really did enjoy my presence, we could've kept it to that and been good friends. i will forever stand by my belief that we could've worked well platonically had you not led me on. you can deny it as much as you want, but we were both there when it happened and we both know that you would be lying if you disagreed. there's no way to sugarcoat it - you played me for your selfish gains. you've admitted that, too.
there's nothing more left to say, i don't think. at least nothing about the past.
presently, i'm doing okay. i'm not at my best, but my depression is in remission and my friends have helped keep it at bay. every time i think of you and start to get overwhelmed with the remains of my grief, i am reminded that time and tide wait for none. you have very clearly moved on and removed every last bit of me from your life. there is no reason for me to not do the same as well.
yes, you played me. yes, you broke my heart. yes, you made me want to die quite a few times.
the world didn't end though, did it? even when it felt like mine had collapsed around me.
still alive. still breathing. still making things work.
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it's a work in progress. as chat put it, it's not a big deal. it's just another small step - progress which means something in the long run. it isn't a failure if some days i think of you and get upset. it's just a small step back, but it doesn't mean we're back to square one.
there will come a day when i will think about you and realise how absurd all of this was. "can't believe i was obsessed with him," i will say. it'll probably make a lot of sense further into the future, even if it doesn't now.
i do hope that we manage to keep our lives as separate as is possible. by which i mean that i hope i never ever ever see you or have to interact with you ever again for as long as i live. not because i hate you - i think i'm starting to become indifferent, really - but because it's just not worth it. i don't want to know whether you're doing well or not. i don't want to know if you're okay or not. i don't want to know what's happening with you anymore. you didn't want to tell me then, and i definitely don't care enough to go looking now.
i still do have so many questions, but i know that there's no point in asking you. you're never going to give me closure (which is a scam, anyway). i'll have to find that on my own.
keep me blocked. don't keep me blocked. go very far away from me. stalk and then come find me. hate me. miss me. i don't care. we're very much done.
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i think this is the final stage of grief on display, then. you've taught me such a massive lesson. set me straight for life to the point where i don't want to do anything like that with anyone ever. sort of destroyed my perception of people, too, really. you took from me a lot of things that i will never get back, but it's okay. if i lost them, perhaps those were never mine to keep anyway.
meeting people now. learning to be honest. trusting myself more. setting boundaries and not allowing them to be overstepped. not tolerating disrespect. not settling for mediocrity in anything at all.
the version of you i knew was awful, yes, but you know what? i have a lot to thank this experience for. i can't twist the truth and make it not toxic or a horrendous experience for myself, but i can acknowledge that had this not happened, i wouldn't have grown exponentially the way that i have.
thanks for wronging me. i got hotter and better because of that.
the end.
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| still god's favourite :) |
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