untethered, finally.

I tried my best. I promise that this time around, I really tried to make it work.

Some things, however, just aren't meant to be. I can wish for them to be different, but I can't force it. Especially not when I'm the only one trying to make it work.

What a fcuking rollercoaster. 6 months of my life, gone just like that.

I've listened to Tried Our Best by Drake on repeat over 30 times today. I absolutely love that song, and love how extremely raw it feels. For The Love of New York is also a good one, especially the part with Nicki Minaj. It's almost like these artists that I adore so much saw this coming and therefore wrote the songs they did for me. None of the feelings that I am experiencing are incredibly unique to me, for which I am grateful, because I have no idea what I would do if I had to go through this all by myself.

A TLDR of what happened. I've experienced a rollercoaster of emotions since I started writing this, so it's going to be extremely different from what I had originally intended. I think that's okay. I'm not too fussed about it.

I walked away. When I say walked away, I mean literally turned on my heels and walked. Didn't look back. It was a very on brand thing for me to do - every bit as dramatic as I am, and just like a scene straight out of a movie. In hindsight, it was very funny. I ended it just the way I had hoped I would.

Actually, let me start from the beginning.

After the no contact period, things seemed to have changed significantly for him. I was very unaware of all of this; I think I mostly expected to still be able to save this, but I was wrong. We had a bit of back and forth, but my head was in a lot of places and too many things demanded my attention, and so I kept trying to push it back.

And then, just like that. This girl that I work with, who I think is so incredibly beautiful and charming and all around perfect - I bump into her just like that on my way to dinner. Conversations happen and I find out that the girl and this boy know each other, and for a split second, jealousy and insecurity overpower me. I have never had that happen to me. I actually really adore this girl so much, but I have no idea what happened to me in that moment. It was an incredibly bizarre feeling, and I felt disgusted with myself.

It fucked with my head a lot, so as always, I went to the gym about it. I bumped into a coworker there which was kind of pleasant. I thought about it for a long time, during my sets and in between them. All this time, I had felt comfortable in my position but I suddenly felt threatened and replaceable. Things felt different between us, too, and I decided that it was time for me to pull the plug. I would never have that guarantee. I was a placeholder and that feeling of being used was never going to go away.

I wouldn't be able to get over those romantic feelings. Or maybe at some point, I will manage to get past them, but it wasn't going to happen any time soon. It also didn't help that the person I felt these emotions towards only made me feel bad for having them. Like I was committing a crime. Always putting me in a tricky, vulnerable, uncomfortable position. And talking down to me like I am a child.

So I called. I explained my stance, told him what I was going to do, and did it. The conversation was weird, because as always, I couldn't read him and he wasn't keen on giving up how he felt / what he thought. Communication is key, but it felt like I was talking to a wall.

I should've left it at that, but I didn't. I texted him afterwards because I felt like I had just made a decision and imposed it on him, which I didn't want to do. Long story short, that led to us meeting. I'm not sure why we did that.

That was perhaps one of the more confusing interactions I've ever had with another person in my entire life. Most of it was spent walking, so I could barely register his body language or read his face to understand what was happening. He barely varied his tone, too, so it was hard to know what he meant or was thinking. An awful, very bland interaction, if I'm being honest. I had a more fun time observing other people and looking at the pigeons than I did talking to him. I hated it.

There was this one point when we were crossing the street, and he said, in the most nonchalant way possible, that if he was even looking for someone or something, this wouldn't be it. This comes not even a month after he said that if there was any room to change his mind, he would've done that for me. Which one's real, then? Or have you always just lied to me because it was more convenient for you to do that?

We walked to the train station together. All this time, I was anxiously fiddling with my necklace, because I felt like I had been put on the spot and a countdown was going to go off any minute now. I felt like I was being quizzed and had to give the right answer in order to save myself, and the relationship. He kept saying all these generic things about how this is the right decision and we'll be fine and whatnot, but I was scrambling for anything that I could gather to maybe make this work.

We got to the train station, and he asked me if I had anything to say. There were so many things I did want to say, but I couldn't form a single coherent sentence. All I could muster was, "I don't like this," to which he asked me what the alternative was, because apparently if I don't like this, that must mean there is an alternative. I don't follow the logic at all. I have no idea what he meant.

So I said that I was going to walk away because otherwise I would have a massive breakdown. He shrugged his shoulders, said okay, take care, and I turned and walked off. Didn't even bother looking back.

And that was that. That's the end of it.

I spent an hour and a half with him and for what? I still don't understand. I also don't understand how you can spend all this time with someone and be this unfazed and unaffected when they're going away despite pretty much begging you to let them stay. I don't understand how you can just let go when the other person clearly doesn't want to, and you've implied only slightly that you don't want to, either. What I don't understand, most importantly, is how you can be so cruel. So cold, heartless, and devoid of any emotion when the other person is quite clearly having an extremely hard time processing everything, and you barely do anything to make them feel better, or at least be supportive. It's called being a decent fucking human being. I've done more for strangers on the train than you did for me, and you called me a fucking friend.

Yeah, great way to show me how much you care. Five fucking stars.

I had never felt more unsafe, or had a stronger desire to run away in my life. The entire time, I hated how he spoke to me. I was incredibly scared and I felt like I was being yelled at just because of the tone he'd adopt, the way he'd speak, his treatment of me and just his general behaviour. I really wanted to give him a hug, and considered doing it when I was leaving, but he was just so, so cruel. So inconsiderate. It's almost like he didn't even see me.

I know I'm going to be okay. I know I'll move on because that's what I do. Fuck, I moved miles away from my home and left everyone I love behind. It is foolish to think that I won't be able to leave you in the past. That wasn't the point. That has never been the point.

The point is that I don't want to have to be fine without you. I don't want to have to accept your absence. I saw you and realised that I'm not even that attracted to you; I am just heavily attached and miss the person that I first met.

But the truth is that you're no longer that person, and haven't been for some time. I'm never going to get him back either because that person's dead. It is best for me to accept that and move on. I can't force it. I can't fix this, especially not when I'm the only one even giving a shit about it.

It is true - you really can never find the same person again, even in the same person.

And you said to me that I'm indifferent. That I don't care about your presence or absence. How fucked up. There is no way you said that and actually meant a word of it. I've always been the one to care. You're the one who had one foot in the door, one foot out. Always looking for an out, no?

I understand what happened, and I totally get that it had to play out the way it did. But I was there, right in front of you, absolutely collapsing and asking for some support. All you did was kick me while I was down. Didn't even bother to fake being supportive. You could have handled it with so much kindness, grace, and compassion, but then you didn't. You mishandled me. I trusted you and you fucked me over.

I was right when I said that you didn't care whether I lived or died. That day is proof.

And what an incredibly disrespectful, condescending person you are. Why must you always speak to me like that? You're not who I thought you were.

I wonder if even a tiny part of you had hoped to keep me around. I want to make excuses and analyse every bit of that day, but it's so far away now and there's no coming back from it. What matters is what happened and how you made me feel. I can't explain your behaviour away anymore. I need to stop lying to myself and accept that maybe you literally just didn't care about me at all.

And I told my mum about you, too. She didn't like you, by the way. She was so relieved when she heard that we were done. Told me that it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. That I gave this my all; hell, I went above and beyond and even contributed your share of the effort. She told me that anyone else in my shoes would've quit a long time ago, and she wishes I had too. Also said that there's nothing else I could've done. I had already done too much.

-

I don't wish for anything. I don't wish you the best, but I also don't wish any ill upon you. I do hope that one day you come to realise just how you made me feel. And I hope that you feel awful about it, because I did. I hope that you regret it and wish to apologise, but I hope that by then I'm so far gone that you're not even able to do that.

I'm never going to forget this. I'll move on, but I'll never forget any of this, and I'll definitely never forgive you.

I asked for the barest of the bare. Hell, I begged for you to treat me like a normal fucking human being. I asked you to treat me like an actual person and not something that exists for you to use when it's convenient for you. But you didn't. I don't know why I put up with that for so long.

Hindsight is 20/20, though. I made a mistake. I did the best with what I knew in that moment and how I felt. I can't fault myself for it.

Will I miss you? No, not at all. That delusion has disappeared.

Will I think of you? God, I really hope not.

You made me feel like I was too much when I tried to make myself as invisible as possible. You made me feel like there was something inherently wrong with the person that I was. Not many people have managed to make me feel that way, so congratufuckinglations. I hope you're really fucking proud.

Fuck me, man. You said you wouldn't, and then you did.

No regrets, but God, I hope I never repeat this ever again in my life. What a fucking disaster.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I hate you. I really fucking do.

I'm so glad you're gone. That's how horrible you've made me feel.