on an ending (and other things)

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Most days I'm good. I manage to get shit done, and feel very happy about who I am and all the things I'm doing.

Some days I rewrite history. Today is one of those days.

Yes, I'm still milking those photos from La Perouse. Shut up.

On days like this, I wonder if I cross your mind for good reasons. I wonder if you think of me, and what you even think of when you think of me. Do you remember our conversations? Do you think about the times we laughed about something incredibly stupid that I was talking about? Or maybe it's just all completely awful. I really hope it isn't.

I wish you saw me for more than just what I could do for you. I wish I existed as my own person, in my own right, in your life. I wish I wasn't there just because it was convenient for you, and that this was just as real and meaningful for you as it was for me.

I think in another life, I would've really enjoyed sitting at the beach just chatting shit with you, you know? It didn't even have to make sense. Just spending time together would've been enough for me.

And I wish it was enough for you too. lol.

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I'm not good with words. It's easier for me to write things down when I'm able to think, because as you will remember (or at least I hope you do), English is a third language. My words always fail me, because I have an entire world I want to share and express, but I'm limited by my vocabulary.

Still, I tried. That day, I tried to figure out something, anything, that I could've said to change your mind. I was trying to buy myself time, but I couldn't win that race. I'm not strong enough to fight the tide all alone.

I wish you had seen me when I was in front of you. I wish you had read my thoughts on my face and the agony in my eyes. I wish you could hear my screams, trying to get through to you. But life had other plans; you turned both blind and deaf when I needed you.

It's funny how things go. I don't think of you half as much as I thought I would, but the times I do, god knows that's not good for me. The overwhelming amount of affection that I felt for you doesn't seem to want to die. It's not even attraction. I don't know what I miss or why it hurts me, I just know that it doesn't feel very nice.

I didn't get to know you. I don't know you, because I would've seen this coming from a million miles away if I did. You're as good as a stranger - then why do I still miss you and hope for our paths to cross again?

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I've been meeting new people. They've been so incredible - everything that you never were and more. Decent people that seem to be interested in me? I could probably get the ball rolling if I wanted to.

But that's the thing. I don't want to. I wasn't lying when I said that I don't want anything with anyone if they're not you. At least not for the foreseeable future. My mind is still filled with thoughts of you.

Shit was pointless. We should've just stayed strangers. The potential is what keeps fucking with me.

# Overwhelmed and tired.
# Kaisa naseeb hain mera / Milke bhi na mujhe mila / Mere aankhon mein, aankhon mein toh dekho.

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