main character syndrome

Most days I'm good. I manage to get shit done, and feel very happy about who I am and all the things I'm doing. Some days I rewrite history. Today is one of those days. Yes, I'm still milking those photos from La Perouse. Shut up. On days like this, I wonder if I cross your mind for good reasons. I wonder if you think of me, and what you even think of when you think of me. Do you remember our conversations? Do you think about the times we laughed about something incredibly stupid that I was talking about? Or maybe it's just all completely awful. I really hope it isn't. I wish you saw me for more than just what I could do for you. I wish I existed as my own person, in my own right, in your life. I wish I wasn't there just because it was convenient for you, and that this was just as real and meaningful for you as it was for me. I think in another life, I would've really enjoyed sitting at the beach just chatting shit with you, you know? It didn't even have...

I tried my best. I promise that this time around, I really tried to make it work. Some things, however, just aren't meant to be. I can wish for them to be different, but I can't force it. Especially not when I'm the only one trying to make it work. What a fcuking rollercoaster. 6 months of my life, gone just like that. I've listened to Tried Our Best by Drake on repeat over 30 times today. I absolutely love that song, and love how extremely raw it feels. For The Love of New York is also a good one, especially the part with Nicki Minaj. It's almost like these artists that I adore so much saw this coming and therefore wrote the songs they did for me. None of the feelings that I am experiencing are incredibly unique to me, for which I am grateful, because I have no idea what I would do if I had to go through this all by myself. A TLDR of what happened. I've experienced a rollercoaster of emotions since I started writing this, so it's going to be extremely diffe...

Day 0 14 days have been agreed on. I feel like an idiot for suggesting such a long period of time. I know exactly how it's going to be for me. I scream and yell as soon as I end the call. I feel awful and horrible for the way the conversation's gone. I keep saying that it's never my intention to hurt you, yet I keep doing that every time. You don't deserve that, and I don't, either, but we keep doing it to each other. Despite our best efforts. I replay the conversation in my head until I fall asleep. Day 1 I wake up at 07.10. A part of me hopes that you will message me; I arrogantly said that I wasn't going to, and promised to give you your space. Distance is difficult. I try going back to sleep but I keep hearing your voice in my head, over, and over, and over. This is worse than the demons in my head that I fight. It feels like I'm being tormented and reminded of how cruel I can be. I present myself to be this good person who can never do any wrong, but I ...