14 Days

Day 0

14 days have been agreed on. I feel like an idiot for suggesting such a long period of time. I know exactly how it's going to be for me. I scream and yell as soon as I end the call. I feel awful and horrible for the way the conversation's gone. I keep saying that it's never my intention to hurt you, yet I keep doing that every time. You don't deserve that, and I don't, either, but we keep doing it to each other. Despite our best efforts. I replay the conversation in my head until I fall asleep.

Day 1

I wake up at 07.10. A part of me hopes that you will message me; I arrogantly said that I wasn't going to, and promised to give you your space. Distance is difficult. I try going back to sleep but I keep hearing your voice in my head, over, and over, and over. This is worse than the demons in my head that I fight. It feels like I'm being tormented and reminded of how cruel I can be. I present myself to be this good person who can never do any wrong, but I keep remembering just what I've put you through, the anxiety I keep triggering, and I am disgusted with myself. I feel sick. I think I'm going to throw up. I can't sleep. I want to call in sick. I don't know what to do with myself.

I've never had anyone in my life be this affected by my actions. I've never impacted anyone like this before. I've never had someone plead with me so that I would hear them. I keep saying that I understand, but the more I think about it, I really don't. It's just me, me, and me, because it's fuck you, isn't it? How could I be this selfish? I am unbelievable. I cannot believe the sadist I've turned into.

I can't get ready for work without seeing a monster in the mirror. I can't look at myself. I scream because last night's conversation is still playing like a broken record in my head. I can't get over it. I promised myself that I'd never do this to you again, but this is the only thing I keep doing to you. I take you on an insane rollercoaster of emotions because I don't know how to get mine under control. And you humour me and come on this ride with me every time, even though you're so incredibly tired. The amount of grace you've handled me with, the patience you've displayed - yeah, I have no words. I don't think I'm deserving of any of it.

I am upset and my sadness can be read on my face. My coworker asks me if I am okay, and if I need a bit of a break. I shrug it off and throw myself into my work. It doesn't help. Thoughts of you keep circling in my head even though I am looking up things and trying to help people. My brain is split. I can't get you out of my head. It is fucking awful. I am trapped.

I think a part of me hopes that you'll get tired and walk out of my life. It's the only outcome that I know and can control. People don't stick around like this, especially not after I put them through the type of Hell that I've put you through. You confuse me, because I've done everything I possibly could have to push you away, and you're still here. Please save yourself. Please leave.

But please don't. Please stay.

I am split. I still don't know what to do, but I hope we figure this out. I hope it works out.

The solution at the moment though? Gym and work. I'm going to go crazy otherwise. These thoughts are too loud.

Day 2

It took me just 48 hours to come up with a solution that I hope will work. It's quite comprehensive, but I'm scared of sharing it with you because I don't know how you'll react. I am a bit of a control freak, and if I don't have a clear plan, I spiral and freak out. That's really been at the core of all our issues - you're very "go with the flow," and despite my best efforts, I need some assurance that things will happen at a given time. This is why I hate it when you say things and don't see them through. I hate false promises. I hate expecting and then being disappointed.

I like effort. People giving me their word and sticking to it is effort to me. When you say something and do something else, for whatever reason, I take it personally every time. I don't like feeling like I'm begging someone to be in my life or planning things with me.

I know you're trying. I just wish it didn't fall on me every time to make things work and to keep it going.

Day 3

An excerpt from my notes.

"Dreamed that you took time to think. 4 days later, I’m hearing from someone else that you’re getting married to the love of your life and she’s someone I’ve never met or heard about. Came out of nowhere, because you and I were still “normal.” You tried to explain how you were in a weird spot in life and things just happen, but I wish I knew exactly how it was going to end for me before I wasted all of this time with you. I wish I knew exactly how you’d hurt me before I allowed myself to stay.

I’ve never been more scared to lose a person. I’ve never tried harder to lose a person. What a fucking mess."

Day 4

My family's coming to Australia today. I'm ecstatic, because I could really use the support that they provide me, in their weird complicated way. I need something to distract me from all these thoughts of you. It's driving me insane and I don't like the chokehold you have over me. I'm upset about how things unfolded, and cannot stop blaming myself for the bulk of it. Maybe I should've left the first time I said I was going to. Maybe then we wouldn't be here.

But I'm so stubborn. I don't know whether that's a flaw or a strength. I placed a losing bet, and instead of cutting my losses early, I'm doubling down. I'm going all in. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm drowning and I am pulling you under with me. Please save yourself.

Day 5

Today is a better day. Thoughts of you are starting to fade in the background. Maybe the break is a good thing. I can live without you. Maybe it's not that bad.

I don't know. I went to training today and thought I saw the most beautiful man there. It's been a long, long time since I've felt that way about anyone except you. It threw me off a lot, but it was a nice experience.

I was speaking to someone who asked me if I had a boyfriend, or at least someone who I was interested in. I said no to both, because I think I've started to realise that while I enjoy fucking around with you, I can't build a life with you. You won't let me, and it's best for me to accept that and allow myself to move on, than hope things will change. You are who I want, but I'm not sure if you are who I need anymore.

I want to introduce you to the other people in my life, but I can't.

I want to go out and do things with you, but I can't.

I want to do cutesy, romantic things with you, but I can't.

It used to be heartbreaking before. It's still quite upsetting, but hey, it is what it is, innit? I can't fight it anymore. For better or for worse, this is who you are. And who you are is not who I want to be with.

Yet, if you asked me to wait, if you gave me a guarantee.

I'm not even going to finish that train of thought. It's embarrassing.

Here's to better days ahead, with or without you in my life. Hopefully with, but I'll accept anything.

Day 6

I slept on the floor of my parents' hotel room, and woke up from what I can only call a nightmare.

For very good reasons, I won't be describing it here, but here's an excerpt from my notes app right after I woke up.

"I woke up feeling heartbroken again. I thought I was doing okay without you and then the thought of you with another woman drove me to the edge. I can’t bear imagining that someone else could ever know you the way I know you, not even in my wildest dreams.

I don’t know where we go from here. I just don’t like where we are right now, and I really want to fix it. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be up at 7 AM writing this on my phone on a hotel room floor. I miss you."

This is uncomfortably raw, and puts me in an awfully vulnerable position. I don't know how I feel about that.

Day 7

A full week! I've passed a full week without giving in to the temptation to reach out. I've been dreaming of you almost every night without fail, and I think that might be because I've been thinking about you subconsciously. You're on my mind even when you're not what I'm actively thinking about. I don't know how I feel about this.

I woke up thinking about you again this morning. Maybe I didn't get enough sleep last night. Maybe I'm just drained and tired, but still trying to operate at 100%. Whatever the case, I find myself wishing that you and I could just sit down and talk. I have such incredible people around me - people who would drop everything to come to support me - yet I wish that I could sit down and have a chat with you instead. It feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and all I want to do is collapse to the floor and stay there.

Maybe it's not even you that I miss. Maybe I just miss having someone fill this gap in my life. A bit of a cruel thing to say.

Don't front like I'm not fucked up over you

I'm stressing, yeah, I'm fucked up over you

I'm stressing, yeah, I'm fucked up over you

I'm stressing, yeah, I'm fucked up over you

I'm stressing, yeah, I'm fucked up over you

Good luck for your exam tomorrow. I hope it goes well. I hope you're not thinking about me at all. I hope I don't inadvertently end up affecting how this goes for you.

I don't want to fuck your life up. I just want you to let your guard down around me. I just want you to let me take care of you sometimes. That's pretty much it.

Days 8-12

Pretty much a blur. This is what I get for being inconsistent - I don't remember anything. Extremely busy and drained, with almost little to no time for myself, much less you. A few thoughts here and there maybe, all of them disappearing just as quickly as they arrived. A very strong, consistent feeling of ceebs.

Day 13

I spent most of today sleeping. Quite happy and excited for the future, really. I think it really helped to have my family around me for the last 10 days - whatever anxiety this situation induced was forced to disappear as I tried to be present for them. Allah really has the best timing.

I actually ended up dreaming of you today. I woke up feeling angry? Or maybe anxious? I can't remember. All I know is that I want an out. I want whatever this weird break no contact situation we're in to end ASAP and for us to come to a conclusion. If that means cutting each other off forever, so be it. I genuinely don't have it in me to fight or oppose anymore. This isn't worth investing my energy into.

I've spent the last almost 2 weeks feeling anxious and dreading speaking to you again. I've thought about this, then thought again, and then went back to revisit said thoughts. I don't like it when I can't control situations. I don't like having someone / something dominate my thoughts as much. I don't like the influence any of this has on me. Not only is it embarrassing for a grown woman like myself, it just isn't something I do anymore and I'm not about to start doing it again.

I don't like the way I've been on edge for this long. I've come up with multiple scenarios, and they all play out the same way - you say whatever you have to say, and I accept that and move on. Even in my thoughts, I am unable to come up with a scenario in which I might want to share my ideas. You knowing more about me isn't going to benefit you at all, but more importantly, it will only harm me if anything.

Do I trust you? Yes.

Do I trust you enough? Not anymore, I don't think.

To make it easier to understand, I trust you the way I trust most people. A little more than acquaintances, probably at the same level as some friends. I remember explaining that there are different categories of friends that I have. You're not at the same level in my mind as you used to be.

So many people shouldn't have access to me. You shouldn't have access to me the way you do. That might have been a mistake, but hindsight is 20/20 and we can always course correct.

"...and things will shake out in the way that makes most sense." Yep, I'm counting on that.

I'm excited to speak to you soon! I can't wait to see how this one goes.

Day 14

Words cannot even begin to explain how disappointed I am. Expecting anything at all is a mistake.

But honestly, it is literally what it is. I have no intention of doing anything to change any of this - zero desire to influence the outcome or the path that leads to it.

I was actually also thinking about how the last 2 weeks have gone for me, and I cannot even begin to explain just how embarrassed I am. This post has 29 views, and even if I consider that someone's been coming back to this every day or so, there have been at least 3 unique readers. At least 3 people who are not me have read about all of these feelings I have experienced and I don't know how I feel about that. It's fine that they know - I just hope they never bring it up in a conversation with me - but the fact that I feel this way. About someone who probably does not care if I live or die.

Please, I am a grown woman. I am perfectly fine on my own. If anything, I do better on my own than when I'm in anything remotely relationship-y with a man. For myself to act all upset and be stressed over a man - good lord, what has become of me?

Every part of me is screaming for me to take this post down. I feel deeply ashamed and horrified, but I must allow my past self a bit of grace. She felt what she felt, and I cannot hold that against her. Emotions can cloud judgment. It's okay. Affection is not a bad thing to feel towards someone else. Even when they don't want it and probably aren't deserving of that from me. Not saying that you don't deserve affection - I just don't think you deserve the type of affection I have to give, and definitely not in such doses.

Okay, enough yapping. New term starts tomorrow. No more sappy, heartbroken Nuren. Now we just push through and grind as we try to survive what is 100% going to be an awfully busy year for me.

Only happy, driven and motivated Nuren. I like her a lot. :)

# No more updates as I look to detach and stop caring. Thanks for reading! :)

One of the most beautiful sunsets of my life and I wished that I could've watched it with you. Surely we watch a sunset together when all of this is over? | La Perouse - original caption, day 0
I love sunsets because no matter how shit things are, a beautiful sunset is always guaranteed and it reminds me that I can always start over tomorrow. :)