Random Stream of Consciousness

I'm at the reserve right in front of my place. I was going to go to Coogee, but messed up the bus schedule and would never have made it in time for sunset, so I decided to save myself a trip and stay here to write. My brain's been a little foggy; rest days are always weird because they lack structure and I never know what to do. I have a lot of work to catch up on, as always, but I don't want to do any of it even though I know I should.

There's a very nice breeze blowing right now, despite the 40º weather. A lot of people out here - with their dogs, friends, and family. I miss mine, but I'm also grateful for the moments I get to spend on my own.

I'm not quite sure how I feel. Perhaps content? A little lost for sure, since I don't know what I want to be doing at the moment. Constantly thinking about how nice it would be to be able to share these moments with someone else. A little company would've been quite pleasant.

So many cars on the road today. I wonder where these people are going. I wonder how they feel. Has anyone noticed the girl sitting on the rock with her laptop? If they have, what do they think of her? I wonder if, like me, people tell stories to themselves about others too. If they do, what story would they tell about me? I hope it's an adventure. I hope they think I'm some sort of spy protecting them from aliens that want to take over the world. That would be really cool.

Stunning moon in the sky tonight, by the way. A waxing gibbous. We're 5 days away from a full moon.

I'm also suddenly very hungry. I think I want ice cream.

Apologies - I'm not the greatest photographer. However, you have eyes, and the sky is free for all. Look out instead.

I'm thinking about how my life has been going recently, especially the last couple of weeks, and I don't know how to make sense of any of it. I've been overwhelmed by gratitude - everything that could've gone right has gone right, Alhamdulillah. And the way things are going, I know I'll be fine in the end.

But there's also this feeling of something missing. It makes me miserable, and every time it comes around, I throw myself into my work. I'll do anything and everything to distract myself from it, because I don't think I have the strength to sit down and deal with it all by myself. It's so scary. It consumes me every time I try. I fall into a pit, and I don't know how to get out of it all by myself.

And I know that no one's coming to save me. I have accepted that, I promise. But every so often I desperately wish that someone would. The heart wants what it wants, even when it knows that it cannot have it.

It's a major pain point for me. Think of it as my personal Millennium Prize Problem. I've approached it from multiple avenues, but the solution continues to evade me. Always just out of reach. Do you know how frustrating it is, to be so close yet so far? Every time I think I've got it under control, it finds a new way to mess with me. I can never solve it.

I really don't know what else to do about it, so I've just tossed it to the side, hoping that someone else will come along and choose to solve this problem and save me from my predicament.

There I go again, talking about being saved. How silly.

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21 has been an interesting experience thus far. Truly turning out to be my best year yet. I wonder what's next for me.

End of stream of consciousness. I'm going to go get my ice cream.

And pray. Allah will know and understand. He will have a solution.