on being alone (and other things)

It's been over a year since I moved out. I went from having my mum and dad do everything for me, to not only doing things for myself but also for other people. I used to be the type to not even pour myself a glass of water, and now I cater to others when they come over to my place. I have my own place now. It's smaller than what I am used to, but it's just the 2 of us - sometimes only 1 one of us since neither of us are ever home - that live here. It's a quiet, pleasant life. I can't complain.

The amount of freedom I have in my present life is incredible. I can go anywhere, do anything, be with anyone, at any given time, and there's no one that can say a word to me about it. They don't pay my bills, and even the man who used to doesn't say anything to me anymore. I've grown up to become my own person, and I could not be happier. Or prouder. I really am living the life.

This car is me. | Bonvilla Estate Hunter Valley Vineyard

Being alone used to scare me. Humans cannot survive on individualism; we need community to ensure our existence, but I became hyper independent to the point where I'd push people away all the time. I couldn't stand knowing that someone could end up meaning so much to me only for that relationship to fade. The idea that someone else could wield so much power over me that they could cause me pain which would take a lifetime to get over was too much to stomach.

And how ironic, because isn't that what I craved? Just a person or a group of people for me to call my own for the rest of my life. A place where I could belong. Somewhere that I felt wanted and desired, and could also be myself. I keep putting up a front - this customer service persona that I adopt any time I am around other people, and I don't really enjoy that. I thought that maybe if I felt like I fit in somewhere, it would take away this feeling and I'd feel whole again.

I tried for so long to be heard and feel seen. I wanted to be understood and feel visible. All I was met with was rejection. You can communicate all you want, and explain exactly how you feel, but if the other person struggles with comprehension, you're quite literally talking to a brick wall.

SZA sang on the track Blind, "All of the things I need living inside of me / I can't see, I'm blind," and honestly, I get exactly what she meant now. I withdrew and started doing things on my own. I got tired of waiting for people to come around. I was going to give myself what other people couldn't give me. I would create a whole world within myself and live in it, and no one else was ever allowed in.

And it did happen. I go out to dinner by myself when I've had a good day at work. I take a walk or spend time at the gym when I feel like I need to clear my head. During my free time, I write and sketch to keep myself occupied. None of this makes me feel lonely. If anything, I'm probably the happiest I've been in a long time. I feel connected to myself. It's easier to derive joy from all that I see and experience. Goodness is everywhere; I just needed to open my heart to it.

And I don't feel the need to explain to anyone else any of these feelings. I feel like I am full of life, and I want to share that with everyone I know so they too can bask in this warmth I experience on a daily basis, but I'm not fussed about it. Things feel natural. I don't have to overthink my decisions. Whatever I am doing, wherever I am going - it's all working out.

For a minute there, I got lost and forgot who I am. Things always work out for me, and it was stupidity on my part to ever worry that it wouldn't. I've lived 21 years and I still can't point to a single moment that I want to go back to and redo. I can't say with complete conviction that there is a single decision that I regret. Everything panned out the way it was supposed to. Not many people can say that. I've only gotten one shot at everything I've done thus far and look at how well I've taken those shots. I can't not be proud.

People will never know about all the nights I sat on my prayer mat bawling my eyes out because I felt so hopeless. They will never know about all the times I fought myself for my own survival. They will never know about the pain and hurt I've felt, those very specific moments that completely changed the course of my life and still have a chokehold on me to this day. And that's okay, they don't need to, either. That's between Allah and me. That's all I really need.

I like being alone. A lot. Solitude is addictive. I've worked so, so hard to get to this point where I could be comfortable with myself. I have watched me go through hell and transform into this person that I've become. And while I wish I didn't have to, I'm incredibly grateful for all the blessings that have been bestowed on me.

And I cannot, and will not, allow anyone to get in the way of what I've worked so extremely hard to achieve. If you are someone that will disrupt my peace, please leave me alone. Please show yourself out the door of my life. I really don't want anything and / or anyone. I will not notice this "loss".

A whole lot of calmness, sanity, peace, and stability this year. If that means that everyone walks out of my life, so be it. I got me. I got my faith. I'm going to be fine.

# 2 playlists that I want to link here - happy, and being alone.

# I think it might be worth taking the time out to learn how to edit my pictures better, since I keep posting the raw images even though my vision for them is always so different. I see potential, I click, and then store them away forever. :(