100 LIES

# Was yelling this song while I walked back home, thus the title.

I've never known myself to be this angry. The number of people that have managed to piss me off today is actually incredulous. Currently screening every single text and call on my phone because I know that I don't have it in me to be mature and understanding today. I will do and say things that will not go down well if I respond now.

People love acting like you're the villain when you point out their behaviours that don't sit right with you. Everyone's all about honesty, transparency, and communication, until it's their turn. Everyone is open to feedback and working on themselves for the sake of the relationship until you point something out. And then all of a sudden, they're not there anymore. Every conversation that could even potentially lead to a real conversation gets avoided. Every effort to talk gets blown off.

And the number of excuses. My Lord, if I had a penny for every time I've been told that a person was busy which is why X and Y happened, I'd have surpassed Bill Gates by now. Turns out only other people are always busy. So incredibly busy that they do not have the time to communicate anything. So busy that they lose access to their phone and forget how to text. But I'm never busy because I'm just sitting here swatting flies and biding time, right? Waiting for one of you lot to remember me and be the driest people alive, and expect me to keep the conversation going so that you can be entertained.

That's where the difference is between the people that I'm complaining about and myself. I actually give a shit about my relationship with them. I actually pull my weight and put in the effort to keep it going. I actually genuinely give a shit about their lives and the things that they're getting up to. All I ask for is the same effort back, instead of expecting me to be there at your every beck and call. All I ask for is some consideration and recognition for the things I do. Not whatever the fuck it is that you keep pulling on me.

And then when I pull away, I am the problem. When I let these relationships fade, I'm not understanding enough. I'm not mature enough. I'm not considerate enough. Maybe that's true. Maybe everything that you're thinking about me is true. But perhaps take a look inwards. My behaviour is a reflection of how you treat me. If you think I'm behaving like a shitty person, maybe it's because that's what you deserve. Maybe that's how you've treated me and now I'm giving you the same energy back.

I am human. I am not perfect. I have emotions too. You cannot keep delivering blow after blow and expect me to still treat you like you're God's gift to me. You're not. You're replaceable, and I will replace you. And I will keep replacing people every time I think it's time to let go. I do not get attached like that anymore. Please do not think you mean more to me than you actually do. Please do not underestimate how much I value my own peace and sanity.

You cannot keep telling me that you care about how I feel, and then when I tell you exactly what's bothering me, go ahead and ignore it. You cannot keep hurting me over and over, and still expect me to be the same sweet person always. I know I am a good person because my conscience is clear, so if I treat you like shit, you deserved that one. There are better people. I have found better people. I can afford to lose you.

But that's the thing. Did I really lose you? Did I?

-

I am holding on because of nostalgia and attachment. The history keeps holding me back. Maybe it's time to finish these chapters and flip over to a new page. I think it's time to put people in their place; you don't hold the same position in my life as you used to. Get that in your head.

# If you think this post is about you, there is a very good chance that it is. I was thinking of multiple people when I was writing this.