a non communicative and emotionally isolated life

I've sat down to write about this at least 20 times over the last couple of days, but every time I try, my words keep failing me. My thoughts and feelings are too incoherent to express, yet they continue to overwhelm me and make it almost impossible for me to breathe. I want to talk about how I feel, and share with another person these emotions that seem to have found a permanent home in my mind, but I just can't manage to do it.

In another draft, this is what I wrote to explain this tumult I am experiencing.

"it's like i want to talk, but i can't open my mouth.
once i manage to, it seems like the words won't come out.
when i string together a couple of sentences, you can't hear my voice.

and finally, once i somehow overcome all these obstacles, i'm speaking a language you don't understand."

 

Nevertheless, I am hoping that maybe today I'll be able to put words in an arrangement that will reduce this awful weight that I seem to be carrying on my shoulders, and slightly alleviate the feelings that continue to paralyse me when I'm alone.

personal hell

What is it that I am experiencing? I genuinely wouldn't be able to tell you.

I keep staring at my ceiling, with a random playlist in the background (usually this one on repeat), and suddenly hours will have passed by without me even realising that. I don't like talking to people about how I'm feeling, because all it does is frustrate me even more because they just don't get it. I keep explaining, over and over, this feeling that's gnawing at my soul and a void that just keeps getting bigger, but it's like no one can fucking hear me. I understand that my friends are trying to be supportive and helpful, but fuck me I just start feeling worse.

What is the point of being known by so many people if no one actually knows me? What is the point of having so many friends if I still can't feel a genuine connection with another person? What is the point of having this many people in my life if I still feel invisible and lonely?

Someone explain to me because I have the emotional intelligence of a 5-year-old - what is the point of any of this?

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The truth is that I can't even blame people for my predicament, because I am the one responsible for where I am right now. As soon as people start to get close to me, I allow a mountain to come between them and me, always meeting them from a distance and hoping that they'd climb these ridiculous heights to get to me. It's almost like a psychological test that I've devised to see if people really care about me; if you get through all these nonsensical obstacles that I have laid out for you, only then will I consider allowing you to see and know me.

Note the use of the word consider. What I am essentially saying is that you could go to hell and back for me, and I'd still not be convinced that you truly are who you say you are.

Why?

Because people lie.

And when the going gets tough, people leave and they abandon.

What I have right now works for me, save for these moments of despair when I am by myself and overcome by a wave of sadness that I don't know what to do with. I wait for these moments to pass, because that's the only way I know to deal with them.

And they do, because when someone needs something again, or there's work that needs to be done, I am back like I was never gone. Like I didn't spend hours in my bed dissociating. Like I am not experiencing emotional turmoil that threatens to eat me alive.

I don't even cry anymore. Not because I don't want to, but because the tears don't come to me. It's almost like I am punishing myself for something; I know crying would be cathartic and help process my emotions, but my body won't allow me to do it. I am sad, but not sad enough. I am upset, but not upset enough. I haven't hit my breaking point yet. I haven't been broken enough.

This state of limbo is a strange place to be in, if I'm being honest. It makes answering the question how are you very difficult, because I can't tell people that I'm doing well when I know for a fact I'm not, and I don't want to lie. But I also can't tell them that I'm doing poorly, because then it raises more questions to which I don't have answers.

Man, I can't even truthfully answer this question when I ask myself. How do you expect me to answer you?

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I don't enjoy being known the way people currently know me. All it does is frustrate me beyond belief, because people feel like they're closer to me than they actually are. And then they want to know everything, and I start to feel like I owe them a look into my life. I hate it. I hate being known.

This is not to say that I would like to regress to a place where I didn't talk to anyone at all, but I think I am going to approach people the way someone I used to know did - deliberately live a non communicative and emotionally isolated life, and don't open up.

I am hurting myself now by reading some messages that were exchanged (more on this later), but they also said something like, "I've been so much more closed off in recent years than I used to be... I felt like in another time I'd have been so open so emotional but I realised I've genuinely lost the ability down the line in the last few years... I didn't know I was like that or ever would be"

This resonated with me beyond belief. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but what you said that night made complete sense to me. I talk a lot about many things, including writing a billion blog posts about them, but I don't think there's a single person in my life that I can say knows me the way I want to be known, and believe that with conviction. What people see is enough to sustain the illusion of a connection. None of them are authentic though; these relationships strike that perfect balance - not too shallow so I can't call you an acquaintance, but not too deep so you can't look into my soul.

Pathetic, really. I continue to run away from what I truly seek.

I feel empty. I've never felt emptier in my life.