Regret #5

# This was originally titled footprints i found, after the album by David Kushner. The new title is more of an inside joke than me actually regretting something.

The last time I wrote something was just 3 weeks ago. Way too fucking much has happened since then. Here are the highlights.

• Came back to Bangladesh, and chaos ensues.
• Some weird stalker won't stop texting me weird shit on Instagram; had to deactivate so I could distance myself from that mess.
• Keep drifting in and out of sleep - I'm guessing my body's been through a lot more stress than I initially assumed so I am spending most of my time playing catch-up.
• My team and I surprisingly made it to the finals of a competition that we had participated in when term 2 was just starting, which is genuinely so crazy when you deep that we made top 3 across AUS + NZ. 2 days before we find out if we're going to compete globally. We might actually have a real shot at this. I just wish I was in Australia to experience this with my team.
• I met someone. This post is going to mostly be about that.

More things have happened than I have mentioned, but turns out people actually read my shit and I need to keep things a little more lowkey. That part of my life is not up for discussion. I cannot create content out of that.

The emotional rollercoaster that I have been going through over the last couple of weeks has been insane. I am genuinely surprised that I am still able to function, considering that it does not take my brain that long to switch up and find something else to worry about. Paranoia and anxiety spill into every part of my life, and it's so exhausting. I don't know what to do but suck it up and deal with it. More has been happening in my life than I've told anyone about; even my best friend, who I usually tell about everything, isn't aware of half of this mess. A war in my head and I'm left to defend all by myself.

Now, let's get to the meeting someone part of things. Funny how it worked out. I'm not going to go into details about it at all because I worry that someday they will come across this post and find out that I wrote this, and I don't need that to happen. Whatever has happened was not meant to happen, but nothing can stop a canon event, I guess. It's that time of the year when my character has to develop again.

This person, who for the sake of this post I will be calling Z, has been nothing but kind to me. I've been speaking to them for a while, and I don't think I have ever interacted with a person who has been so incredibly mature and met me at the emotional level that I am at. I can't fault them at all; they are beautiful, funny, charming, emotionally intelligent, empathetic - whatever positive adjective you can come up with, I'm sure you can apply it to them. Except this is what scares me. Where are the red flags? You are too good to be true. No person is this great.

I have been switching from feelings of attachment to detachment to attachment again, in a bid to protect myself from what I fear is the inevitable - my getting hurt. While it does feel like I am self-sabotaging, I am also reminded of all the times I said that and turned out to be right, anyway. If you let your guard down and allow yourself to be vulnerable, you will get burned. That is how things go.

It is not a them issue, but a me issue. They do, however, remind me an awful lot of the last boy I was seeing - they look similar and sometimes Z says things that the last boy had said as well. I do not trust people in general, but especially not men. Do you know what I think? I think Z's just going to take what he is here to take and then leave. That would've been fine if that's what I was looking for as well. I'm not. I am unfortunately collateral damage.

I remember asking Z what they thought of me, and one thing led to another and they mentioned that they don't know if this is going to become a relationship because they don't have the space, energy or desire for one. Which is so fair, except things progressed even further after that. I had to take a step back and ask what we were even doing here, because what is the point in playing all these games and building an emotional connection like this, if this never leads to anything?

And then, and I am taking a bit of liberty here as I paraphrase, Z tells me that they messaged me even though they are generally uninterested and tired of people as a rule. And now they're enjoying what they are doing with me a bit too much, and feel like they are going to break the promise they made to themselves. They deliberately intended not to get into anything remotely resembling a relationship, but this happened anyway and now we're both confused. Just taking things as they come, and seeing where it goes.

Except I have convinced myself that they are just saying what they have to say to get me to trust them so I let my guard down around them. Z said it themselves - they are good with words. Not only that, but highly emotionally intelligent people can use that to their advantage to manipulate others to do their bidding, to get what they want. They acknowledge that they do not have the emotional range to even remotely be with another person now, and say that it is not really worth chasing or being in a relationship for them right now, yet for them, it is clearly fun to mess around as they have with me.

Perhaps they just enjoy the messing around part of things, I tell them. This could've been anyone else and they would've felt this way regardless.

Probably wouldn't have gotten this far, they say.

Now, I want to believe Z, but I don't. All I've done my entire year of being 20 was get burned by people I thought I could trust. Friends, partners, potential partners - no matter who it was, it did not go well for me. It has gotten so bad that I can barely trust my friends. I say a little bit of this to one person, and a little bit of that to another, because one person knowing too much would give them a lot of power over me, and I can't risk being that vulnerable ever again. I learned from my mistakes. I'm not putting myself through that ever again.

All this to say that I'm scared. The slightest shift in energy frightens me. I will analyse, and then analyse again the small things, and get stuck in a cycle of my own. I have convinced myself that this man likes me, then talked myself out of it, then claimed otherwise again - you know how it goes. It's exhausting, but I also know that I am just trying to protect myself.

I'm detaching again, and I will stay detached until I feel that it is safe for me to get attached to this person. I don't know them, or their intentions, and I am not taking that risk. I'm not gambling my feelings again. Better to have never loved at all than to have loved and lost, I say.

And if this one doesn't work out, that's fine. I've been so on guard and hyper-focused on trying to look out for myself that my brain has taken over. Emotions be damned. I've disassociated and let go. Almost numb.

What a sad existence. To not be able to feel in fear of getting hurt.

Tu muskurana chahe, toh darne laagta hain

Kahin nazr teri in, khushi ko na laage

Kisipe aana chahe, toh kaise aaye dil

Ki firse tootne ki, khayal se darein. 

-

As a result of this, I've decided to stay single, at least until I graduate from uni. I've got way too many things to do, way too many plans of my own, to have the time to stress about someone else like this. I am a grown woman. This is embarrassing behaviour.

If this goes well, that's great. I like this person and so far can see myself being with them for a while, although it is quite dependent on how well we click when we meet, and how they feel about me. If this doesn't pan out, that's fine. Such is the life. I'm tired of people, but especially men as a general rule. I'm done.