a letter to my parents

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// i have an exam in 2 days less than 15 hours, and i'm flying home in 6 days 4 days. explain to me WHY i am spending this time in front of my computer, writing this out, instead of studying. i think i'm losing my mind.

if you can't tell, i actually started writing this a day ago, but abandoned the piece because i got distracted by something. i'm writing again now because i just rewatched some of the stories i uploaded on Instagram today, and realised that i'm actually quite depressed. or at the very least, going through it.

i posted them on my private account, and while it was just meant to be a rant about how i hate Sydney, it quickly turned into an even worse series of videos about how i feel. i felt so self-conscious and weird about it that i hid my stories from everyone, because no one would get exactly how i feel, and the weight that i carry around with me everyday.

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tell me, have you ever felt like an orphan despite having your entire family around?

because i feel like that. everyday.

mum, dad, i love the two of you so much. i love everything that you guys do for me, and i see the lengths you go to to provide for my sister and me. i cannot tell you just how grateful i am for every opportunity that you have helped me seize; i know that i wouldn't be half the person that i am today if it wasn't for the family that i have backing me.

but i need to say this. i fucking hate you guys.

i hate you guys for letting me move so fucking far away from you guys. i hate you guys for encouraging me to take this step in my journey. i hate you guys for replacing your heart with a stone and sending me away from the lot of you. and i hate you guys for always wanting the best for me.

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i know it hurts you to not be able to see your daughter for months on end, and not being able to speak to her for long periods of time as well, just because she gets busy. i'm sorry. i really don't mean to be like that.

but mum, dad - do you guys ever wonder about how i feel? i'm not struggling the way people often do when they move abroad; i am comfortable financially and my life is quite stable from the looks of it.

but the fire that rages on and on in my head. how do i deal with that?

i don't tell you guys because i can't. as soon as i express the slightest discomfort about this place, i know that you will book the next available flight just to be here with me, even if it inconveniences you. it would break your hearts to know that i am living with this, and you would keep blaming yourselves for my predicament until the end of time.

i know it sucks for you to be away from me, because you were there with me from the very beginning. you raised me and watched me grow into the person that i am. you took care of me and met my needs to the best of your abilities. i have always been a part of every important life event - be it a celebration or a major decision. in the car, at the dinner table, in front of the tv - whatever conversation was happening, i was always a part of them. like someone once put it, i was like the cream in an oreo cookie. i held us together. i am a part of you guys as much as you are a part of me.

now i'm suddenly no longer part of those conversations. i don't live through moments with you guys anymore; instead, i am filled in on them at a later time. i live in your devices, reduced to a 6.7 inch display and spatial audio. i don't get to watch you guys get up to dumb things. i don't get to hear the sound of your laughters and have it drown out my sorrows. most importantly, i don't get to be with you guys anymore.

and i know it's the same case for you. but you have one another. you have my sister, and you have other people that we love and adore and care for so much. me? i'm doing this out here all by myself. all in the hopes that one day all of this will amount to something.

but tell me, does any of this mean anything at all? is it even worth it? because i promise, it does not feel like it's worth it at all. it does not feel worth the pain and the hurt and the struggles that we are having to go through everyday. what is the point of any of this if the people that i love the most in the world aren't even here with me? what is the point of any of this if i don't feel any joy? what is the point of any of this if  i don't even want to do this anymore?

birthday celebrations from 2016

everything feels pointless without you guys.

even my existence.

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it's getting more and more difficult to do this by myself. i know i'm coming home in a few days, but with that comes a timer. as soon as i am there, a countdown is going to go off and before i know it, i'm going to have to leave. there's not enough time. there's never enough time in this world. even forever feels so little.

and when i come home this time, i don't know when i'm going to see you guys again after that. i'll be back for the first time in 7 months. it was supposed to be just 3 months, but things happened and that time period got extended. what if after this, the next time i see you guys doesn't come until a year later? even worse, what if some of you guys - what if i never see you guys ever again after this time?

i am trying to hold on. i don't think i am strong enough for this. i don't know how to keep going anymore.

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