I was flying back to Dhaka on this day last year. I had gotten dumped just a week or so ago, and I was still reeling in from the pain of that and processing the rollercoaster of emotions that I had been going through. Properly diagnosed with a bunch of mental illnesses, and feeling like I was constantly being punished / penalised for trying and loving, if that makes sense. And then having to still act like all was okay because I didn't want anyone to be concerned about me, especially my family. They were so happy to have their daughter back.
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That's not the point. I am writing this because I am trying to figure out if this date is at all special to me, or not. I was hovering on a profile, and found a note that I had written to remember their birthday. I feel like, even if I hadn't written down the date, I would've remembered their birthday regardless. Some people - they just get stuck in my head.
I just wanna say -
You dumb little bitch. You did not have to do to me what you did. That was completely unnecessary, and I never deserved any of that. You turned the entire story around and made me the villain and made it seem like everything that happened was my fault, even though there was just one, singular misstep on my part. I should've stuck to my word and kicked you out of my life when I said that I was going to, instead of going back on it and trying to fix things. I hate that I ever cared as much as I did about you. The worst part is that I still do.
I should've known that you were bad fucking news the moment I spoke to you. I messed up by giving you the benefit of the doubt, and thinking that you were actually going to be sane because you had been through shit before. I should never have trusted you, even for a second, because all you did was take advantage of that. You think it's so funny how you can play with my feelings, and mess with my head, and then gaslight me when I point it all out. You think it's all a fucking game.
I just hate you now, to be very fucking honest. I don't think the things you do are cute anymore. Whatever love or respect I had for you has died. All you do is piss me off.
This is going to be confusing, but I don't actually hate you. I just hate the person that you are now. There is a good person in there somewhere - I know because I've seen it; it comes out sometimes. Your eyes soften, your voice drops, and you treat the other person with such care. I wish I could see that person more often, but looks like you killed it.
I don't know who hurt you so much for you to become the way you have. I hate your guts and the way you treat me and act around me now. Begging that Allah instills some sense of maturity in you one day and you end up fixing up your act. I might not be there to see it, but I don't have to be there.
It's super fucking annoying, because I bet on you but it turned out that I was making the wrong bet. This is why you never count on potential. You are not who you can be, and I don't know if you ever will be, but I shouldn't be wasting my time and energy waiting and hoping that you'll realise and change your ways.
I'm done. You've driven me to this point where all I can now feel is disgust when I think about or look at you. This is the point of no return. You called me a problem? Look inwards, it's actually you.
Happy birthday in advance, and goodbye.
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