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Album cover of ye by Kanye West

; - used when a writer could have ended a sentence, but chose not to.

I just finished watching Selena Gomez: My Mind & Me. I didn’t know that she, too, struggled with bipolar disorder, but watching the documentary made me cry. So many times. We have wildly different lives, but our experiences are almost the same. The things she talked about, wrote about, or went through; I’m 20 but I know that I’ve felt all of those at least once in my life.

Today was a hard day for me. An awfully hard day, and I relapsed. I was just going through some of the things I had written over the years, which was a terrible idea. I thought I was strong enough, had gotten better enough to read that without feeling like shit, but I guess not. So I took the knife from the kitchen and, you get the idea.

In my defence, it wasn’t that bad. I mean, sure, it’s a little swollen and the wounds are pink and red and a little visible, but nothing that won’t go away in a few days. I can always just wear full-sleeved clothing. No one will ever notice. No one ever does, anyway.

I considered ending it. I had a very nice playlist going on as well, and I am currently alone in my apartment. No one, and I mean absolutely no one, would have been able to tell if I had just killed myself. Enough time for my body to start decomposing before someone found out. Just perfect.

Then I didn’t. I’m not sure what came over me, but I stopped and tried to go to sleep.

I washed my sheets again today, so the duvet was still cold-ish when I wrapped it around me, and it made my wounds tingle. It caused me pain, but the pain felt good. I guess I still haven’t stopped punishing myself. What for, I’m not sure.

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My life is truly so funny. I genuinely have nothing to be upset about right now. I am really at one of the happiest stages in my life that I possibly could be at. Sure, there are things I could be doing better, like watching my lectures and catching up on my work for starters, but other than that, mentally, I truly am doing so great. I have been a hell of a lot worse before, and I didn't turn to self-harm then.

Then why do I feel like something is eating away at my soul? What is it that is constantly gnawing at it, making me debate taking away my own life? I feel like I subconsciously know the answer, but it makes me feel so silly. Especially when I know for a fact that I am being an absolute fool.

It is almost like the monster that I wrote about 2 years ago (here and here) is making a comeback.

This house is too big for one person. I need to find a way to drown out my thoughts. I do not think it is safe for me to be staying all by myself. I am dangerous. I am volatile. There is too much space and not enough people and things to fill it with. This is why my thoughts are spilling out everywhere. They follow me everywhere I go. I cannot escape them. I need to escape them.

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There was a girl in the documentary, who was able to study nursing due to Selena's philanthropic efforts. She talked about sitting by the river, thinking about drowning herself so that she could end her life and unburden her family. She thought about it for a while, then changed her mind. I am paraphrasing here, but she said, "I am the firstborn in my family. If I went ahead with this, what example would I be setting for the rest of my family?" So she got the water and went back home. 2 weeks later, she got a call to interview at the college. It all worked out for her. She called it a miracle.

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That's what I am waiting for. A miracle. I know there is a lot of pain that I'm carrying around with me in my heart that I don't let anyone else see. I have been trying to ignore it for the longest time, but the only way I can drown out the cacophony is when I'm not all by myself. But I still zone out. I close down and I get distracted and I get lost, because even in crowds and around people, it isn't easy to forget. It stays there, at the top, looking for its chance to come out.

One day, I'll let it come out. I'm just very very afraid to be vulnerable again now. I haven't had the greatest experiences. People just keep taking, and taking, and absolutely draining me. I don't have much left of me to give. People aren't very kind.

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An apology. That's all I want.