On 2022...

This might as well be one of the worst pieces of writing that I've ever put out, but that's okay because this one is just for me. If you hate it, don't tell me I didn't warn you.

Call me a narcissist, but I spent the last 5-7 mins just staring at myself in the mirror, trying to see myself the way so many people in my life seem to. And you know what? I liked what I saw. Flushed cheeks (due to medication though), a smile that reached my eyes and lit up my face, unruly hair that somehow framed my face so nicely. I liked the rest of me too, but I’m not about to describe it. You lot cannot be trusted.

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Today is the last day of the year. I do one of these reflections every year, to remind myself how far I’ve come and how much further I still have left to go.

2022 has been one of the most critical years of my life. I didn’t always like it, but in hindsight, it was necessary for me to go through this. I don’t think any other year will ever be able to compare with this one in terms of personal growth. The number of firsts I experienced this year alone has been insane. I don’t even know how to put everything into words.

The year started with a sort of self-imposed lockdown because of the pandemic. I started working in 2021, but it became real when I had to start going to school. I handled some of the worst combinations of my personal and professional lives, and I was so ready to give up so many times. I lost people that I thought I would always have in my life – not because one of us made a mistake, but because of circumstances that pulled us apart. I went on some of the most amazing trips of my life and saw a glimpse of what my future could look like – friends, independence, money, happiness.

I got rejected by a bunch of schools, which I saw coming. At some point, I thought that I had made a mistake and was responsible for single-handedly destroying my own life. Everyone had advised against taking a gap year, but I still took one anyway. I was scared and lost, but I braved it and told myself that it would work out in the end, it always does. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and I didn’t know where I wanted to go. There was no clarity, and for the first time in my life, I was scared of not knowing who I am and who I wanted to be. It felt like all my hopes and dreams had brought me crashing down, ironically because of my ambitious personality.

I know a lot of people wished for my downfall. I could hear the conversations in my head, and I could hear the wind mock me. I was at a low point in my life, and there weren’t many people I could turn to for help. When I was down, it felt like everyone else in my life was trying to kick me even more. It didn’t help that I turned on myself as well, while also simultaneously trying to have faith that I was going to be okay. I didn’t know if that was indeed true; I just trusted that the universe wanted the best for me.

Then, UNSW happened. I still remember the day the email dropped in my inbox. “Congratulations on receiving an offer for the International Scientia Coursework Scholarship (PUCA1025) on 28 April 2022.” I swear I thought it was a scam. No way in hell did the university believe I was worth a full tuition fee waiver. No way they thought I was worth investing $200k over 4 years into? I had winged my application and didn’t have many expectations, because at that point I was ready to accept whatever came my way. The last few applications weren’t very successful, so I had no hopes for this one.

My parents were sitting in front of me, sorting through sarees that they had bought for zakat. They were as shocked as me, and I think I kept reading and rereading that email until I had memorised its contents. I texted my counsellor and told her what happened. She was as shocked as she was ecstatic. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

I switched my degree twice, or maybe 3 times before I settled on a double degree in computer science and economics. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted to do, but I started my classes and enjoyed it so much. I was still under contract and working, and I had to learn to balance working and studying from home, while also doing everything else that demanded my attention. We were also moving homes closer to my exams and preparing for me to move away. A very confusing period that I wasn’t sure how I was meant to get through, but I did anyway.

Packed my bags the night before I was meant to leave, and said goodbye to everything and everyone I held dear to fly to a country that I’d never been to, all by myself. I had spent the entire day crying, and cried even more until I reached Sydney. Was I doing the right thing? Was Australia really where I was meant to be? Did I somehow mess up my life? Have I made a mistake somewhere?

I celebrated my 20th birthday surrounded by strangers I had never met before, in a faraway land that I wasn’t sure would accept me as one of its own. Life picked up its pace, and suddenly I was scrambling to do everything at once, being pulled in every direction possible, and then some more. I might have left Bangladesh, but it wasn’t willing to let me go yet. The different parts of my life became even more distinct, going in opposite directions, and demanded more and more of me than I could give. I tried. I cracked.

I think it was around the 5th, or maybe 6th week of living in Sydney that I had a major breakdown. Things weren’t going very well in the life I had back in Bangladesh, and that was spilling over on to my life in Australia. Taking care of myself suddenly felt like the most daunting task in the world, and I wasn’t sure if I was up for it. I was stressed beyond belief, and I would be lying if I didn’t think about killing myself.

Shout out to Helen from my 1531 class for being there for me then. She directed me to UNSW’s psychology clinic and encouraged me to seek help. She listened to me, and was concerned about my health. She helped me get things off of my shoulder, and the world suddenly didn’t suffocate me so much. If she hadn’t taken the time to speak to me, I don’t think I would be alive today.

I started seeing a therapist to help me sort through my issues. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and found out that I might be bipolar, although I still need to get screened for that. I tried to self-harm twice, because I thought some of the people closest to me were going to die. I learned more about myself, and how to manage my symptoms in a healthy way. Still a long way to go, but wow have I made progress.

I met the most brilliant boy when I started doing better, but everyone already knows that story. I worried that I was going to relapse after things ended, because I had been manic right before that and this was a trigger for a depressive episode. That happened, and I spent quite a few days crying. I was also very burnt out from having to deal with so many things by myself, and just wanted to go home.

I had tickets to Vir Das’ show, and even though I was upset, I went. Perhaps some of the best use of my time and money, ever. I laughed until I cried and I cried until I laughed.

I flew back to Bangladesh a few days later. It has been a little difficult adjusting to the role I play in the lives of the people here, especially because of the stark differences between the person I am asked to be and the person I am becoming. It is taking some time, but I am getting used to the changes I think.

It is not easy to summarise 365 days in a blog post. There were moments that felt like an eternity, and days that seemed to pass me by in a flash. But for every second that I lived through, I am grateful. For the good times and the bad, I am grateful.

It feels like the worst is behind me now. I went through some of the toughest times of my life all alone, and survived every instance of wanting to kill myself. I saw through my negative intrusive thoughts. I learned what works for me and what doesn’t. I know now that even though times will not always be the greatest, I have the ability to tackle them head-on.

I don’t think it has still dawned on me just how much I am capable of. I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that the university pays my tuition fees; people see beauty and intelligence in me that I am too blind to. I don’t see what other people see in me, and I hope I never do, either, because my believing that I am not good enough yet is what pushes me to work harder. I would never want to take that away from me.

For 2023, I am going to start being more responsible. I have had enough of my bullshit. I am not going to keep blaming the world / God / my mental health / whatever for the things that are happening to me. Everything that happens is a blessing, even when it does not feel like that, because the universe is always looking out for me. I just need to trust myself and have faith.

I am right on track to achieve the small (and big!) goals that I’ve set for myself. I have struggled with being consistent my entire life, but I think I’m finally starting to nail it (just look at this blog). I am taking care of myself a lot more, and reconnecting with myself. Dancing again, working out again, eating healthy! I have started reading again as well, so that’s nice. The Picture of Dorian Gray is next on my list. :)

I am going to focus on myself. To hell with everything else.

Happy new year.

I still remember the small details. In another lifetime, maybe.