I wrote this one in my car
Something has changed. The air isn't the same. The place isn't the same. The people aren't the same.
I've been back in this country, in my country, for just over a week, but nothing feels like my own. I'm kind of just floating around the place because I can't figure out where it is that I'm meant to be. I'm not sure where that place is, but it is definitely not here.
I spend most of my day either watching Netflix / Apple TV / Prime Video / whatever stupid subscription I decided to get for myself, sleeping, or just being awfully rude and / or angry for no reason at all. I'm not the person that I used to be, and people are noticing that.
I'm in the car right now, waiting to pick up my sister. I want to cry. There are tears forming in my eyes because I miss who I used to be. I used to be full of life, inserting myself in conversations that had nothing to do with me but still contributing something, cracking jokes and making people laugh, constantly being loud and noisy and dancing and just being annoying. All I do now is sit in silence, a darker, emptier person than who I used to be.
I am a shell of my former self. I am an imposter. All these people around me – my parents, my sister, my extended family, my friends – they are trying to take care of me and love me and nurse me back to become who I used to be, but I seem to be hellbent on being sad and depressed. Even manic episodes are few and fleeting now. It's like someone turned the lights off on their way out, and now I just have to sit like this in the dark until they come back.
-
I went to the store today to pick up some stuff I just wanted to buy. I don't even need half of the things I bought, but I still did it anyway. All the time that I was in the store, I was very nervous and agitated, pacing around as though preparing for an attack coming my way. A very meek, shy person than who I used to be. Where's the bold, confident person that was ready to take on the world all by herself? This is not her.
The cashier also thought I wasn't from around here. A few years ago, I would've perhaps thought of that as a compliment ("Oh look, they think I'm a foreigner!"), but now it just makes me want to scream ("I was born in this country and spent 20 years living in and breathing the air of this land!"). It only adds to the feeling that maybe I don't belong here.
I smiled weakly, explaining that I had just returned from Australia after being away for a bit.
-
I'm going to try and put in more of an effort. Not for me, but for the people around me that I claim to love so much. They don't deserve what I am doing to them. Even if I have to fake it and force myself to do things that I don't feel like / want to, I will, because I love them and it's always been about them.
Something has changed. Maybe nothing has changed. Maybe it's just me.
-
You can't put your entire life on pause just because one person hurt you or wasn't who they claimed to be.
Oh, you got your heart broken? Boohoo, big deal. Don't fall in love if you can't deal with the consequences of it – both the good and the bad.
You need to keep choosing you and remembering what and who is important. It's not the person that broke your heart, because no matter how much you wish otherwise, they are not thinking of you. I will bet good money that they don't even remember you anymore.
This is not me trying to bring you down. I'm just trying to ask the more important question – why give this person so much of your time and energy when you don't even cross their mind, even as a fleeting thought?
Choose yourself. Always. Even when it's easy and nice and things are going well. Even when it's hard and the days are dark and you are trying to kill yourself.
Especially then. Choose yourself.
-
Something has changed, but adapting to those changes is what life is all about, no?
I've been back in this country, in my country, for just over a week, but nothing feels like my own. I'm kind of just floating around the place because I can't figure out where it is that I'm meant to be. I'm not sure where that place is, but it is definitely not here.
I spend most of my day either watching Netflix / Apple TV / Prime Video / whatever stupid subscription I decided to get for myself, sleeping, or just being awfully rude and / or angry for no reason at all. I'm not the person that I used to be, and people are noticing that.
I'm in the car right now, waiting to pick up my sister. I want to cry. There are tears forming in my eyes because I miss who I used to be. I used to be full of life, inserting myself in conversations that had nothing to do with me but still contributing something, cracking jokes and making people laugh, constantly being loud and noisy and dancing and just being annoying. All I do now is sit in silence, a darker, emptier person than who I used to be.
I am a shell of my former self. I am an imposter. All these people around me – my parents, my sister, my extended family, my friends – they are trying to take care of me and love me and nurse me back to become who I used to be, but I seem to be hellbent on being sad and depressed. Even manic episodes are few and fleeting now. It's like someone turned the lights off on their way out, and now I just have to sit like this in the dark until they come back.
-
I went to the store today to pick up some stuff I just wanted to buy. I don't even need half of the things I bought, but I still did it anyway. All the time that I was in the store, I was very nervous and agitated, pacing around as though preparing for an attack coming my way. A very meek, shy person than who I used to be. Where's the bold, confident person that was ready to take on the world all by herself? This is not her.
The cashier also thought I wasn't from around here. A few years ago, I would've perhaps thought of that as a compliment ("Oh look, they think I'm a foreigner!"), but now it just makes me want to scream ("I was born in this country and spent 20 years living in and breathing the air of this land!"). It only adds to the feeling that maybe I don't belong here.
I smiled weakly, explaining that I had just returned from Australia after being away for a bit.
-
I'm going to try and put in more of an effort. Not for me, but for the people around me that I claim to love so much. They don't deserve what I am doing to them. Even if I have to fake it and force myself to do things that I don't feel like / want to, I will, because I love them and it's always been about them.
Something has changed. Maybe nothing has changed. Maybe it's just me.
-
You can't put your entire life on pause just because one person hurt you or wasn't who they claimed to be.
Oh, you got your heart broken? Boohoo, big deal. Don't fall in love if you can't deal with the consequences of it – both the good and the bad.
You need to keep choosing you and remembering what and who is important. It's not the person that broke your heart, because no matter how much you wish otherwise, they are not thinking of you. I will bet good money that they don't even remember you anymore.
This is not me trying to bring you down. I'm just trying to ask the more important question – why give this person so much of your time and energy when you don't even cross their mind, even as a fleeting thought?
Choose yourself. Always. Even when it's easy and nice and things are going well. Even when it's hard and the days are dark and you are trying to kill yourself.
Especially then. Choose yourself.
-
Something has changed, but adapting to those changes is what life is all about, no?
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