Trial and error - part 1 (maybe)

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(This blog is my way of not paying for therapy.)

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It's currently 0016 hours where I am at (Sydney, Australia, for all you nosey people). I should be sleeping, or at the very least, eating something, anything, instead of skipping dinner. I could also be working on my assignments, which have somehow piled up even though it's only week 3.

Instead, I'm sat here, on a couch in 14C weather (which is very cold for me) writing this.

Why? I don't know, either. I'm still trying to figure it out.

I was trying to get to an office and took this picture to show an acquaintance where I was. | Elizabeth St, Sydney, Australia

I feel a certain type of way at the moment. It's been a while since I've arrived in Australia. I have virtually zero restrictions and / or obligations, and am free to do whatever I want.

And yet.

Yet, I do not feel like it. My soul is aching for a reprieve, and all I want to do is run away. Run away from what? Why? Where would I go? I do not have the answers to those questions, but I think I just want a break from everything. Complete radio silence for a while. Just a few minutes would do too. Anything to stop my mind from constantly being at war with itself.

Just a sunset(-ish) I captured when I got lost and was waiting for my Didi driver to rescue me. | (No clue), Sydney, Australia

I can't stay in a quiet room. I always have to put the TV on, or stream some music on Amazon Music (free subscription, stop judging me). Not having any distractions around put me on edge, and I turn to compulsive behaviours (buying things I don't need, scrolling through Instagram, etc) to deal with it. This is ironic, because all I really want is some silence. My mind is looking for some peace, or just a way to escape - whichever's possible. Too many expectations, too many responsibilities, too many desires, too many dreams. Everything somehow always finds its way back to me.

I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the entire world on my shoulders. It isn't like I'm doing it on purpose, though. These are just the cards that I have been dealt, and I am trying to play my best hand. A game of fate, if you will? People tell me that it is a blessing to be the way that I am, but maybe if, just for once, I showed them my mind, they'd see how wrong they are.

This has turned into a very long woe-is-me type of essay, which was certainly not my intention. I do appreciate how privileged and blessed I am - I had the opportunity to move out of Bangladesh for a better education and a better life. I recognise that few people can do that, and even fewer can afford to. Which is why I have been stuck at this odd crossroad of my life for a couple of years now, with my expectation of me (taking everything into account) being that I should be able to achieve everything I have set out to, while others tell me that I should take it easy because life isn't easy (I do have it relatively easier). Who am I to believe?

On my trip to La Perouse. Definitely one of the most beautiful places ever. | La Perouse, Sydney, Australia

This is a lot of stuff for my first blog, and perhaps a bit too personal. I am scared to publish this, to share such a huge part of myself with the entire world, even if it's just 1 or 2 people that read it. I am awfully tempted to take it down right after, but I will try my best to talk. Maybe it will help someone. Maybe it will help me.

I write entries like this often, but I keep them hidden away in a Google Drive folder. Maybe one day I will share them with you. I want to take our relationship slow. We can't get to third base on the first date now, can we? ;)

I apologise, that was a terrible joke. Have a good day. xx

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