main character syndrome

i feel quite unsettled anytime something even remotely good seems to happen to me. you can then only imagine how fidgety i have felt all day today, given how seemingly perfect it has been. i blame the new haircut. me looking for signs of trouble all day today /\ the man and i call this the captain cook pose the man and i slept rather late last night, because i was watching Acapulco (S4 out now!) and he was playing Stephen's Sausage Rolls (i hate that game because i can't figure it out). we had appointments this morning, starting off with his physio, then my optometrist, and we both decided we would get haircuts together. we woke up absolutely hating the fact that we went to bed at 4 (!!) last night (or this morning, i guess), and almost cancelled every plan we had. we somehow managed to drag ourselves out of the house, feeling groggy without our morning coffee, only last night's Wingboy supporting us. i went to get my eyes checked out, then we went to Specsavers so i could ...

# i really just wanted to write something. something about 10,000 hours and skill-building. i have my first exam on the 20th, and then the next on the 27th. after that, i'm fucking off to Japan with my beautiful boy for 2 weeks, separating on our way back as i fly to Bangkok and he comes back home, finally wrapping up what i expect to be a very exhausting trip on the 17th. - i have always lived my life in constant motion. well, "always" is lying, because i slowed down considerably after meeting my beautiful boy. he's helped me find balance and bring back order into my life, and organised my chaos so i don't get so overwhelmed and burned out so quickly. he's taught me to enjoy a cup of actual coffee; i used to eat the powder straight from jars before, now i'm a proud owner of an anko espresso machine. i've learned to enjoy the process of making breakfast as much as i enjoy eating it in the end. he's helped me find peace in the quiet, where before on...

the title has nothing to do with my beautiful boy. him and i are still going strong. fuck you. i am not going to pretend like i have not been deeply emotionally scarred by a situationship i had almost a year ago now. it is not something i try to keep secret at all; i've written about the relationship (or lack thereof) extensively and it is something that affects me even to this day. this person, who i will call POS for the rest of this essay, somewhat knows about the pain that he has caused me, but to this day, i do not think i have gotten an honest apology and an acknowledgement of the pain i have been put through, and that fucks with me a lot. it was a bad romance, and as chatgpt put it, i am mourning the version of myself that wanted so badly to be loved by POS. it never happened, and honestly, i am so glad it didn't. i would've never known better existed if i settled for POS. - my brilliant boy, who i will refer to as LOML for the rest of this essay, left to go back hom...