main character syndrome

# This one is incredibly intense and raw. I would recommend skipping, but if you do read, please don't judge me for this. :) The world might not have ended when I decided we were done, but it definitely feels like it did. I might just be living in a nightmare. It's been a month since, and even today the smallest things will trigger me and make me cry until my chest hurts. I had never known pain like this. Congratulations, you achieved exactly what you set out to. My parents protected me for 21 years, and you undid all of the work all these people collectively put into me in a matter of months. You must be so proud. Did you know that I hate when people look at me now? I know that look, those eyes. It makes my skin crawl. It's like I'm being reduced to nothing but a toy. You did that. You made me feel that way over and over, and denied it every time. Even when my girlfriends tell me I look good, I wish I didn't. I wish they wouldn't tell me that and I wish people ...

I am so upset that all I want to do is run to my mum and have her run her hands through my hair. I want to rest and I just want my family around me. I don't want to do anything, see anything, hear anything. I just want them here with me, right now. This is so incredibly stupid. I turned 22 a couple days ago and it was the worst birthday I've had in recent memory. I spent the entire weekend sleeping because I couldn't bring myself to celebrate - depression will do that to you. It also didn't help that it felt like a repeat of that time I turned 19, when everyone  forgot my birthday. Ok, everyone is a bit of a stretch, but I was thoroughly disappointed. I won't delve too deep into that, though, because that is not the point of this post today. The point is that I've been living life on hard mode and I have refused to admit it ever since it was pointed out to me. "Hard mode" for me doesn't necessarily mean financial hardships or resource constraints, ...

I obviously haven't had much time to write recently, with life events getting in the way. But I'm turning 22 in just over an hour, so I thought I'd sit down and continue this tradition of reflecting on my year. I skipped training for this one, so you know it's important. - I can't remember the last time I hated a birthday as much as this one. There's not a single thing to look forward to. Things keep being added to my plate as I get older, and it doesn't get easier. I don't have the excuse of being young to hide behind anymore. If I fuck up, that could be disastrous for a lot of people and not just me. I have to be responsible now. I don't have the option to run away. The amount of dread has been growing as the date approaches. I was initially very excited, so much so that I wanted to spend another week in Germany (more on that soon) as a way to treat myself. That turned out to be not so feasible for a myriad of reasons, but I wanted to celebrate wit...