main character syndrome

TW: Sensitive content. one last post about this while i'm still at seclab and the jukebox plays. thanks for your advice, chat. this is my final goodbye. - this is a lot more difficult than i thought it would be. i genuinely believed that i could just sit down and spill everything, but i may no longer have any tears left to cry. which would make sense. all i've done is cry about this for the last 39281923 days anyway. we'll see where this goes. i'm going to write whatever comes to me. it won't make sense. - i have the greatest friends in the world. people who are happy to listen to me talk and talk again about the same thing. and give me advice too, even when it's the same advice they gave me the first time i talked about it. people who are actually willing to go to war against me, for me. i'm convinced that i wouldn't be alive today if i didn't have some of these people in my life. to the friends that i used to have and the ones whose presence still ...

# The fact that I'm blocked is WILD to me. I had ALL THE CARDS in my hand and then I fumbled. Biggest L of my life. In honour of your 22nd birthday, I cried. I've been meaning to write this since the 17th, but I've either been too busy or too depressed to make time for it. The last couple of weeks or so have felt like hell - my trip back home was so rejuvenating and cathartic, but it feels like as soon as I stepped foot back into this country, everything I left behind came rushing back to me. It's like I can't escape, no matter how hard I try. I can't remember a single day in the last few months when I wasn't crying, or being down in the dumps. I've been exploring this a lot more in therapy, which I should probably talk about at some point, but I've learned that it's literally just trust and abandonment issues coming to the surface. It doesn't help that this happened between us, but uh, part of life? I dunno. Anyway. which way do I go? I had ...

waiting rooms are funny places. i like to think of being in one as being suspended somewhere between fantasy and reality. much like schrödinger’s cat, people in waiting rooms exist in superposition. their reality is just outside the waiting room door. unobserved, this reality could be anything. my life, then, could be described as a waiting room. i spend so much of my time in my head, my real life remains unobserved. shrouded in confusion and thoughts of anything and everything. somewhere between my past and my future, but never in the present. i'm unreachable - in a faraway land that both exists and doesn't exist at the same time. and like in a waiting room, things keep happening. not sure where i'm going with this one. i've been watching Dark Matter on Apple TV+, thus the sudden inspiration. in my waiting room, people sneak up on me. i don't notice when they enter the space, but once they do, i'm so focused on them and how they're making me feel that i don...